So you say that you and I fight everyday.... Well I guess that's not the first everyday.... Every time....always... Have been said to me. And it was always at the end of something good. Good in my eyes. Not a shared view I guess. I guess he's right, he needs to go away if he feels that way. Trapped, and unhappy.

So here I am again.... Tears streaming down my face, begging for him to not walk out that door. Asking him to stay. Just the night. So selfishly I could for one more night lay in his arms, feel his heartbeat against my head. Run my hands though his hair. Kiss his cheek, just another night. But when he looked me in the eye and without blinking and with out any doubt in his eyes he told me.... "I don't want to stay" well I guess that's all there is. I know what that means. Begging isn't going to help. And a break isn't going to make him come back. His break is going to allow him to breath, it's is going to make his life simple like he deserves. I knew that taking a 25 year old and putting him in a relationship with a woman with kids. One that takes pictures a zillion pictures. That always has a list and wants to be loved forever. Like forever and ever. But I don't think that's ever gonna happen.

My world is this. Alone, well not alone. I'll have too little men that will depend on me to raise them to be men that will indeed love a woman forever and ever. That will be my greatest achievement and my highest honor. To watch them grow. And become the men that they will become.

But I have loved truly a man. Several as as a matter of fact. Jason, Brian and Jake. Those are the ones From my adult life. Every one of them ended the same. With a look that didn't blink and didn't look away. With the words " I don't wanna stay" and them turn a drive/walk/walk out the door. Usually with a kiss that reminded me of a kiss you give when your in love. And then they were gone.

So here I am. With my youngest love. One that will grow up and leave and I'll have tears in my eyes. But happy ones. Not these. Not ones hurt as my heart is torn out and laid on the ground.

The final chapter of a beautiful story.

So 09:00 my c-section got bumped. I was sitting in my room trying to stay calm.. Yeah good luck with that right? Right?

10:00 anxiety got the best of me... We.. My momma, Jason, and sister Maria walked the halls. Back and forth.. Back and forth... Back and ... Well you get the idea.

11:00 I head to the OR all prepped and nervous as can be. With my husband.. And momma with Maria close behind.. She got the most amazing shot... Picture wise.

Mikaela and I walk into the OR. I get on the table... Meet the lady that will do my spinal thingy.. We had to do it twice. Not super fun. But it wasn't bad. I sit there... Kinda go numb.. Thank god! Right? I think so. Touch my belly for the last time telling Conner "I will see you soon". Send up a prayer that it will go smoothy and lay down. The doctors walk in... Sherrie and Mark Richey. They say hi. Ask if I'm ready. And do some do you feel this tests. And put the drape up And I assume hack me open....

I am trying to breath... Jason walks in and sits down at my head... I try to remember to breath. I am super Nervous because I can't see the baby warmer area. And I won't be able to see him... Before to long I hear a soft cry... And doctor Richey tells Jason to stand up. And his head is out. And Jason takes a picture. His beautiful head peeks over the drape and I look at one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Our 2nd born son.

They take him to the warmer to do their thing. And Jason goes back to hang out with him. They sew me up.

Before too long Jason brings around the little one that I kept safe for so long. And he is set next to my head and I get to touch him And kiss him and he is perfect. (side-note he looks like his brother... Just like his brother) The Richeys take out the cerclage. And I am done. They leave the room thanking the OR staff for a good surgery. And they move me to the recovery bed.

In the recovery room they check my sugar. Put me pump back on... My nurse Mikaela calls Jessica (Conner's nurse) and has her bring Conner to me so I can do his skin on skin time. This was super important to me. His blood sugar was a little low. And to avoid NICU time we supplemented him with formula to raise his sugar. If it doesn't drop below 40 he will stay out of the NICU. I get to meet my baby boy. He is perfect just like his brother. I spend about an hour curled up with him. We recheck his sugar. Give him more food. Until he is doing better. We go to my room... 110 where Gregory And Maria are waiting.

They wheeled me in followed by my son, I would like to linger here....

I never thought I would be able to hold him that soon after his birth... The chance to feed him, touch him, kiss him, the bonding that I got to have because of the people that helped me carry him for 37 weeks.

18 weeks of bed rest. In a hospital.

Ok moving on,
He wheeled him in, I got to try to nurse him. I got to hold him. I got to hold the reason for all my time in bed. Conner Mathew. The third love of my life.

Day 130

Today I look down in my arms and see the reason for all the nights... Days... Away from my son.. Away from my husband.. Away from my life...

It was all to add to my life. The blessing in my arms will come home with me when I am released from the hospital.

I have so much to be thankful for, so many people to thank. We have all the doctors that made me stay in bed. Called me weekly to look at sugars that fluctuated for crazy reasons. Sometimes for zero reasons. Sometime for predictable reasons. I have a husband who somehow managed to keep life at home as normal as ever with a two year old to remind daily that his momma loved him and was taking care of a baby brother that he had yet to meet. He continued to provided for our family and home. Which included loss of sleep, and sanity I can only imagine. He went to work every day. Turned around and went to school twice a week. Took his classes online and somehow worked in his homework in to a schedule of craziness. He decorated a nursery. Painted a crib, chair, and dresser. Hand sponged a border on the wall of the nursery. Did all the grocery shopping. And house clean that is required when you have a toddler running wild though the house.

I had a mom that arranged to somehow between her teaching classes, working at the office, and working her shifts at the ambulance. To visit her daughter and bring in her son in so that she could see him and she took her time to spend extra time to push her around the hospital, and deal with what was sometimes a Very tired 2 year old. That comes with it's own set of challenges. She arranges to watch This kiddo three days a week. Two of those days she took him home at night and put him to bed so that my husband could just come home from school and not have to drive 20 minutes passed our home to pick up our son.

I have my father in law who supported my husband in ways that I am completely unaware of. But I have no doubt that his family was a huge support. They watched our son two days a week while Jason was at work.

We have nurses, several of them, that take great care if me. They are supportive, kind, teach me lots of things help me stay sane. And are always there when I have to complain about any and everything.

I have sisters that always take care of my face book games, call me and visit to remind me that I have people that care.

My point is that I have a million people that make my world go round. And without them I would have gone completely crazy.

I hope that all of these people A: know who they are.. And B: that they make a huge difference in this life that they helped me make.

So as I lay here tonight, holding our new son Conner, I am overwhelmed with the thought of what could have happened.

He was born 37 weeks and 2 days old. A healthy 6 lbs 13 oz. 18 1/2 inches long
Head cir. Of 34 cm. And an apgar score of 9/9. He is a miracle. An precious gift straight from god arms to mine. And I am so blessed to be his mother.

Anyway I am super excited that we will be able to go home soon. I frankly can't wait!! But Conner will go home WITH me. He isn't going to have to spend any time in the nicu. He isn't going to have to stay Here for observation. He has been able to keep me up at night... Learn to eat... And be the light Of my life.

Welcome home Conner!
You were worth all of this hard stuff!
Your perfect!

Day 123 5/28/11

GeoTagged, [N61.18789, E149.81861]

So the date is set. And approaching fast, I am so grateful that Conner will enter this world in a calm, relaxed c-section. As opposed to how it was looking 17 weeks ago.

I of course feel worried and scared.

I tell myself that he is going to be strong and full term. And I worked hard for that to happen. Even though I feel like everyone else really did the work.

My mom, she and my grandmother and Paula, and Molly have been amazing. Watching Justin 3 days a week. Some times overnight, sometimes after work 3 jobs. And some how she still found a way to bring him to see me pretty much twice a week. Go shopping for me. And keeping me from going crazy.

We have Jason's father And fathers girlfriend. They take Justin 2 times a week. Watch him and make sure that he is safe.

Justin has done so much, his greatest accomplishment keeping me loved. I have so much love for that little boy it is crazy. His smile, his laugh, the way he loves birds And fish, And running on the playground and sliding down the slide and then runs around and slides again. Or flying on the benches, how he blows kisses, And hugs and shakes his head when you want a kiss and he isn't in the mood to give one.

I think about the years my husband have been together, the hard times, the tears, the laughs, the joys, the love we have shared is nothing short of amazing.

We married almost 5 years ago, And honestly I don't know how he has put up with me. We have made 2 beautiful children together. And a million and one memories that make a life a wonderful place.

I have sisters that are amazing. Friends that alway have a supportive thing to say when I need it.

A church that is so supportive that is blows my mind.

Anyway my point is this.

I am loved, and could not have do all of this without the support of my many friends and family.

Thank You

Happy Mothers Day! May 8th 2011

This year was wonderful, Granted the location kinda sucked. but i am still the luckiest Momma live. here is how it went.[
I was going to sleep about midnight Saturday night. I had my evening meds and my Nurse Willie was walking out my bedroom door. and Jason walked in with a sleeping Justin on his Shoulder. He put him in the pack and play that i had set up for his nap time on sundays, and kissed me. we then went to bed after visiting for a little bit.
In the Morning Justin woke up first I was still on my PCA pump, which is a patient controlled pain pump. so i spent a great deal of time pushing the button as my pain level was really bad. anyway... Willie came in about 6 to  get my blood pressure and picked up Justin and laid him in bed in between Jason and Me. and he Climbed onto his daddy and loved on him. it was SOOO cute.
He got tired of laying still, and climbed down. and played for awhile. he then wandered into the bath room and came out with the hat. the container that measures my pee... on his head. Now i am pretty drugged up. so all i could say was Justin Icky. put that back, but he was having non of that. he walked around to Daddies side of my bed and put it on his head. I thought i was gonna DIE> it was so funny.

So after i woke up and Jason woke up, Justin and I watched Curious George He sat on the bed with me for a Long time and just hung out.

Justin and Conner got me a beautiful Necklace and Earring set that said MOM on it and several movie sized boxs of Candy.
Jason got me a card that had shoes on it and a Great pair of Slippers, and Flowers I love that man so much. he is remarkable sweet. we spent the morning together, and i felt so loved and Justin as they were leaving blew me a kiss, a new thing of his.

It was so nice to wake up with my little boy there to kiss good morning. and the arms of the man that make all my dreams come true wrapped around me.

Day 110 can I leave yet?

So I am 34 and 5 days pregnant..... I have been in the hospital 110 days. I have type one diabetes and a incompetent cervix. So I have been on bed rest FOREVER. I always said I would NEVER wish to have my baby boy early, however:

I am told the it doesn't matter if I wait till 38 weeks he will still spend a week in the hospital NICU.

This is NOT something I am happy about. I think god damn it I have worked way to Hard for him to have to go though all of that.... And to have to leave the hospital without him in my arms.

So basically I am bitchy Becuase I am told it doesn't matter what I do he will be born with blood sugar probloms. By doctor is taking him out the first week of June. Again...... Yeah that is only 37 weeks... I was not really ok with this because if he was born with probloms I would always wonder if one more day would have made the diffreance. So I told the doctor I want to just go into labor on my own.... Ahe said that wasn't safe, my uterus is really weak from a previous c-section. And she doesn't want me to rupture. Anyway:
I am tired of hurting, I am tired of being fed that same food every day: Monday eggs bacon muffin, chef salad, chicken strips. Tuesday blueberry coffee cake eggs bacon, something they call turkey and meatloaf for dinner, you get the idea.

I hurt everywhere, those of you who are misrable walking around..... Try being stuck in bed with and IV for 16 weeks.... And I have two more to go... My head aches constantly, my body hurts so bad I cry and my spine is so far unaligned that it might very well be a question mark! I need a chiropractor but of corse the hospital doesn't have a contract with one... So I am shit out of luck.... I am not allowed to sleep next to my husband.... Because he has to take care of our little boy. And I don't have any right to be so selfish as to take away his daddy. It's bad enough he only sees momma two hours a week.

My older sister, my use to be biggest support is all wrapped up in the kelly cup championship. And I am pretty sure she doesn't give a shit about me at all because I don't skate, and I don't have hockey equipment.

Anyway I just don't see the point anymore.... If he is born now he will be way early, he will spend a few weeks in the hospital. But If he is born term... He will spend some time in the nicu.... So.... Wth?

Anyway, I am just tired of hurting I am tired of being here, I am tired of being pregnent and I am sick and tired if knowing that I have to be here for 2 more weeks... Which I will be, because.... I don't want this kiddo to have to spend anymore time then nessasary here in this he'll hole.


Also a funny story to add to this rant bitch session. Is my youngest sister called me to tell me about the greatest first date ever!!! It is my doctors youngest son.... Lol leta just say she is the only one in the state: she has a 2 million doller house, and she flew to new york last weekend for 36 hours to see a consert. She is loaded, and she doesnt give her sons anything, but he has his medical school paid for already. It makes me laugh at the small world that is Alaska!

May 3rd 2011 and May 5th 2011

Man I am super grumpy today, I mean, I love my nurse, but I swear people do things differently... Crime of the century? No however it fucks up my whole day.

I don't care what time I go to bed.... It doesn't matter... I still need to be woken up and shit before 11... Let's face it. Sleeping till 11 isn't good. For anyone. And if you let me of course I am gonna.

I get that you don't wanna wake me up, but trust me when I say it is better for me to be woken up at 9. So I can take my meds, eat, monitor baby, so that at 12 when lunch gets here I can eat it before it gets cold..... I know it seems stupid. But breakfast is the only good meal of the day.... And if I don't eat it till 11, then I don't get my insulin till 11. Which means that my active insulin time won't be done till 2. And I really am not going to be hungry at 12. And even If I am.... I still have insulin onboard so I can't eat. As I really need to make sure my insulin is doing its job correctly.

Anyway, I am just tired of being here. I hurt so bad that I can't function.

May 5th:
My back hurts at a level 9. I can't do this anymore. I have to find some relief. Their answer to this is narcotics... Well the narcotics B: don't work and B: mess with Conner's heartbeat. If he starts failing his NST strips and his BPP they will take him out. And then he will have to put him in the NICU. Which doesn't work for me. I would rather be in mass amounts of pain then have him early.

However I think there are other things we can do for pain relief. Non of which require meds. Maybe realign my spine. Massage the Muscles that are so tight that it makes me have horrible headaches. Acupuncture. Something