2/25/2011

Hello, I am so tired of being right here! Constantly... I mean let me clarify, I love why I am here. I was born to keep my kids safe. But I wish I could be home. With my family. I miss Jason a lot!! Just stupid stuff. I won't make you sick with details. Lol

So I went to bed on 24th at 4:30ish. So I was up late.. I don't sleep like a normal human... I have to take abien to sleep, and so I wait till I am at least a little tired before taking it and going to bed.

So saturday, I have had very little sleep, my nurse a horrible lady named Lori of whom came at 8:30 in the morning and had a very, up and out-um additude. I was really annoyed. It was early, very little sleep, and my breakfast wasn't even in my room yet.
She announced that she was going to do a NST. I told her that I wasn't getting hooked up before breakfast, I am NOT a morning person. And all my normal nurses know this. I am normally treated differently. Anyway she said "well the doctors order says we have to do it before noon." I told her "look it is only 9 in the morning at this point" we have time. Yes it was bitchy. But I wasn't sorry, you can't rush me. I have a routine. Don't mess with it. It keeps me sane. Sane is important!

I eat and called her to hook me up to listen to Sir Conner, this way I can go back to sleep.

It took her 45 minutes to get to me. But whatever.

So I I doze for a while, get up about 1ish eat lunch, Doctor Richey comes in everything with Sir Conner is good. I go get my "carwash" which is what they call a shower. After my shower I get dressed, and asked to have my IV flushed.. I have an IV. They don't use it. But I have one. In case of emergancy like a low sugar or something. She comes in and I am on my phone reading facebook, and when I say pain mean it. It Hurt so bad I was crying and dude it was like a pop, burn, sting. And she acted like I was just overrating. Even stating "I'm not even touching it" well I don't care if your touching it or not, it hurts likes a mother fuxker. Anyway I am no crying cuz it hurts. I don't cry.... The stick me an average of 4 times every time they put in an IV. I don't ever cry, or whine. I just deal. No biggie.... This was a biggie. It hurt a lot!!

I am really upset, she said it flushed just fine they were not taking it out. Awesome. So I have to continue to hurt.

I was told that although I my blood sugars have always been taken by me, they are now checking them. And I am NOT thrilled. It pretty much takes the control away. Not to mention that when I feel my sugar is being funny I have to call the nurse and, here's my favorite part! Wait.

So I felt funny and my sugar needed to be checked and without thinking I checked my sugar... 28 no good!

I drank juice. Cuz that is how you fix it.

The tech came in to check my sugar, I told her, you know its gonna be low. FYI

It was 32 and then the freak out happens... The nurse who doesn't know me.

Treats me like a 32 instead Of a halee with a low sugar that is fully alert and able to drink juice. So he comes in and forces me to drink more juice.. Ok whatever. Than she says rudely that she isn't leaving and I told her that I didn't want her in here and she needed to leave. She said she wasn't leaving and then proceeded to talk to me about what little info she had about my life. I told her I didn't like her here, I didn't want to talk about my family, and if she HAD to be here fine them sit there and don't talk to me... She then continues to talk and I told her to shut the fuck up. She then waits 10 minutes and checks my sugar again. (your suppose to wait 15) and my sugar had raised some to 45. She then tells me that I have to drink another juice. Which I tell her I don't need another juice... I need time for the first two to work.. She then said I could drink it or she would push sugar through my already blown IV. I drank the juice and told her to get the fuck out.

Vicky one of my normal nurses came in and gave me a hug and said that she was sorry that Lisa or lorri or whatever her name was.... Rude and had no niceness in her. And I vented about how I didn't like being treated like a number and not a human... There is a difference between 28 and 28. Being one os still dropping.. And one that is just hanging out low. The first one I need help, sugar in my IV and a nurse to sit with me. The other one I need juice and 15 minutes and a snack. I don't want to pass out any more then they want me to. It SUCKS!!

The rest of the day was good nurse bitch left me alone... And I spent the rest of the night on the phone with my people, and whitney Also came by and it was good to see her and little miss. Shift change brought Patience who is amazing...

Mom came in later and we went on a walk. And hung out it was a good ending to a pretty crappy day.

On a another note there are people out there that think I am a negative person. That just needs to "count my blessings" and that I make blanket statements that basically blame the world.

I was more then a lot offend, I spend so much time being positive. Keeping my eye on the goal. Taking care of Conner, and no matter what happens I try to focus on the good things through out the day... Not focusing on the bad. This way I stay up. And not depressed. It is a lot of work. And I don't know why someone would say that. I don't feel sorry for myself. I am making the best of things. And doing my best keeping my head up. It is sometimes very hard to do. Sometimes the walls close in. And I can't breath. Sometime I miss my son, my husband, my family pictures on my walls at my house. I miss making Conner's room. I want to help prepare for our little man. But I guess I just need to keep on keeping on.

Anyway that is my little vent.

Dear Conner, 2/23.2011

Dear Baby Boy,

Conner Mathew Giese, I want to start out saying how much i love you, No I want to start out by saying How much you are loved. Your Daddy, your Momma, Your Big Brother, Your aunties,grandmas,grandpas,great grandmas and Great Grandpas, You are loved so much that you will probably grow up smothered and spoiled ROTTEN, Just like your Big Brother.

His Name is Justin Alexander Giese, He loves Trucks, hugs, kisses, His Daddy, Momma, and His kitties. He doesn't understand that you are coming yet. he might not understand when you get here. I don't know. but he is going to grow up and love you and teach you all the things you can get away with. and how to get me and daddy to not be mad anymore, probably with just a look. He is Really good at that.

Your Aunties, will always be there. your bestest friends, your greatest enemies, and a huge confidant.

you Have cousins also... Kaylynn, and Treyton. both of which are awesome.

I want to tell you that you will probably here as you grow up how much Trouble Momma went though to get you here safely.. Don't worry about it. I would do it all over again. I know that this is just a small moment in life. a moment that will lead to the second best moment that i have ever experienced. not the Second best, like the fist one was better.. second best like I was blessed enough to do it twice. Daddy is going to put you in my arms and i am going to be tired, but i am going to hold you so close to my heart that you will never leave.

You are going to grow up, Get big, learn things, play with toys, go to school, Graduate, go to collage, Get married... or maybe live at home till your 30 i don't know, Don't try that last one, Daddy will kick your butt, LOL. but whatever you do with your life, know that I as well as your daddy will stand behind you. Help you learn, sometimes the hard way. In fact if your anything like your momma probably the hard way.

I find myself in moments like this wondering who you will look like, but i realize your gonna look like You. perfect wonderful Handsome YOU!

I just wanted to write some stuff.. I am leaving a zillion things out. Like telling you about Grandma andrea, and Grandma Paula. they love you also Just so you know.

someday i will tell you how momma and daddy met. how we wanted and dreamed of having you and your brother, how hard daddy had to work to make your Room Perfect. and it will be..

All i can say is Keep momma on bed rest for a really long time. cuz it is the best blessing EVer.. to have you as my son.

Love your Momma

Omg what am I gonna do

So it just hit me, I am alone here.

It is midnight, on a Monday, and here I am in a little room with the walls closing in tight. I know that I could call and wake people and feel better, but how selfish would that be.

I am not the center of the universe.

But my room is a mess, and I am not allowed to fix it. I want to be able to get into the one closet that I have but my fridge is in the way. And I have to have it close. Or I would never be able to get to my food without help.

I hate bugging the nurses. There are more them just me on the unit and I am sure that there are more important things then my fixing mess of a room. Which would just get messed up again.

So I find myself crying with no one to call cuz that would be messed up.

It's not fair!

It is my first night of crying myself to sleep. So I guess I will just do that. And deal in the morning.

2/21/2011 Monday

So, today was the best day ever! it was Monday, I had a good breakfast, Cream of Wheat.. Love it!!!

My Boys got here pretty early, they brought gifts, Bread, licorice, pedicure stuff, razor, and Shaving Cream. YAY. 

then we went for lunch, Meaning I got out of my ROOM. it was so awesome. it has almost been 4 weeks, i am so happy about that, it is crazy, then i got to hangout with Jason and Justin on the couch and watch a movie. it was so good to cuddle and love on my boys. 

Justin was about sick of the hospital so they had to leave.. but it was still the best date ever!!!

then i called and talked to my bestest in Washington. she sounds great.. and she is so supportive. and Gets it, the bed rest this sucks stuff,. the food stuff,.. just the stuff. so we talked for a long old time.. and it was great.

Doctor Richey came in, she is happy with how things are going. didn't say much, was glad that I got out of this room though. 

Doctor Tanner Called me. our weekly appt. and it went well cuz i am doing all the right things. and learning a lot about how to do things on my own. so that also went well.. 

I have some unsettling things going on in my head, I was thinking about the time line, i am 22 weeks almost 23. Obviously My little Conner wouldn't make it if born right now, so i need him in there cooking for at least 10 more weeks.. and that is a minimum so i need all the prayers i can get. 

we got the paint for his room, and the bedding is all picked out and bought. it looks Great. 

Conner is doing well i am hoping for a ultrasound soon for a weight check and just to look at his sweet face again.. i know i am pathetic. 

anyway... that is about how much went on today,.. it was alot. and i am going to take it super easy tomorrow so that i don't overdo it and cause Conner any unsettling contractions.  Luckily i am not contracting. just a little irritated. so it is a little uncomfortable. but Conner is still good. am moving quite a bit. 

I really appreciate all my friends and family that help me deal with the trapped feeling that happens, and i am so grateful for all my support.  My Doctors Nurses, Family, Friends, and Of course my Husband and Son. 

February 20 2011 Sunday!

Really I am testing to see if I can really blog via text message from my phone, why I even care I don't know? Cuz I have a app for that. Lol.

Today was good I finished my hotpad thing I was making, next I am making Justin-head a blanket then Sir Conner one.

Conner did some questionable things on his NST (non-stress test) mostly his heartbeat was not acting like a 22 weeker. He wasn't as active. Which was concerning to Doctor Richey. So they put him back on to find that he really is just fine. This morning he was Just enjoying momma percocet. Or however you spell it. They gave me some last night because I got one of my really bad headaches. and it stays with him a lot longer then me. A fact I am not happy with. But having headaches like that also not an option. So I guess there could be some serious judgements that could happen, but IMO in till you have sat where I have, you get to understand that i don't give a damn what you think.

I am excited about tomorrow because it is presidents day, federal holiday! And jason has the day off, so I get to see both of them and get out of my room for a short time. Yay!! Anyway. The end!

Crap that will piss someone off, 2/19/11

So I am having a really hard time with the shiny bright side of this whole situation.

I live in a HOSPITAL! I get out of bed when i have to pee. but FYI its a risk. to my son, but i cant pee on my bed anymore or i would freak out.

I eat what the Hospital provides, sometimes, (but not all the time) things i pick. but lets face it. it is stuff that EVERYONE complains about when talking about the hospital stay. I get to eat here for 123 days. YAY ME

I live in my bed, I have eat in my bed, i brush my teeth in bed, because standing of two minutes to brush my teeth could end my pregnancy. which is NOT AN OPTION.

because i live in bed means all my activities happen in my bed which include but are not limited to..... coloring, cross stitching, facebooking, leg excises, tv watching, all of which i am very grateful to have available to me. however i drop something. I have to call someone to get it. i lose something in the covers i have to try to find it.. which takes a lot of moving which i am not really suppose to do. because movement stresses my uterus which holds Conner, which needs to not be stressed because i need it to continue to hold Conner. so losing things which does happen, ex. Phones, speakers for the TV, Pens, God countless pens, Crayons, markers, needles, as well a zillions of crumbs that later make me itch, and get horribly uncomfortable. granted i am allowed to request my bed be Remade/changed but that requires movement from one bed or have it made around me with also requires movement, which endangers Conner. so really it is a toss up, i can request it. and be jostled and moved or i can wait for my next bath which happens about once a blue moon, or every Saturday, and thursday, if i remind them that it is Saturday, or thursday.

and I know i should just be grateful.

I would like to make it Clear i am not complaining about the way i have to live. I am Grateful that i am still pregnant, I know that there are woman out there that can not, and would more then take my place to be able to have the blessing that i have, by having children.

I have family that had their babies that would have done anything to have had the opertouniny to carry their baby to term.

I Try really hard to count my blessings, Everyday, it sounds a lot like...

I am grateful for my son,
I am grateful for the fact that my heathy son has people that can care for him while his daddy is at work so that he can provide for his family.
I am Grateful for nurses and tech that have compassion and take the time to share little pieces of their lives with me to make me feel a little more normal.
I am grateful for my Friends that take a day out of their lives EVERY week to visit me and bring me real food from places that i really miss.
I am grateful for Family that calls me daily, text me daily and send me popcorn balls i Frontierville. and it it unbelievably pathetic how happy that makes me.
I am Grateful for TV, Food, Meds, Doctors that i swear deserve sainthood, and all the little things that i overlook each day.

However today was just not a good day, and as grateful and glad as i am to be pregnant with a seeming heathy baby boy. I am TIRED OF BEING HERE>
I miss my MOM, MY BOYS, MY BED, MY COUCH, MY CAT, MY CAR, MY CRAZY FAMILY SUNDAY PARTYS, NORMAL FOOD, MY DVR, MY WHAT DO YOU CALL IT,.....

MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

end of vent for now ... love you all

February 15th ultrasound day!

I hung out all day, slept some. Cross stitched some. And watched some tv. The basics of bed rest stuff.

About 5 doctor Richey comes down and does the ultrasound. My cervix is still really short. So I am staying for a while. She said we would reevaluate when I am 26 weeks. So that is four weeks from now.
We talked about the tubule, she said it was not something we needed to do for my heath.
Also my uterus looks rough. And Justin can't hang out or bounce on me. It is dangerous for Conner.
It is possible for me to walk to the bathroom and pee. Which Is awesome!
No more commode. So it was a bad and good day.

It is going to be ok. Goodnight