Today was an Emotional day, it started out good, i had a good attitude. things were good, then breakfast came. they didn't give me my pancakes, i felt like i wasn't gonna get enough food. but my day nurse was wonderful and was nice and not pushy about blood sugars and things.
Mostly it was a hard day cuz i don't have my Justin-Head with me. I am dealing with a lot of i guess separation anxiety. I miss him and Jason so much. I know that they cant be here everyday. but it doesn't change the fact that i am missing them more than i have ever missed anything. I called Jason, but it was early and he wasn't up yet. i didn't leave a message. i feel weak, like i am pathetic to be so mournful for the lack of them here.
I guess i just thought too much. the fact is i may be here for the long haul. and 18 weeks is a long time. I am going to miss things. things kept going thought my mind, Questions. Does he miss me? will he remember me? will i miss his first real sentences? When i come home, will he run to daddy before me? It hurts my heart. it is like the purpose of my life is just gone.
I on the other note, I don't know how attached i can get to this baby, I mean i love him just as much as Justin-Head. I want to keep him safe, but he is so little and if the risks are really as bad as they are making them out to be it may be a rough road. one that ends up in the NICU. That would terrify me. We haven't named him yet. i thought it was cuz we haven't found the perfect name, but maybe it is that i am afraid of losing him. even being type 1 diabetic makes it possible to lose your baby at as late as 25 weeks, and we are still 6 weeks from there. add a incompetent cervix and i don't know what is gonna happen. or what to expect.
I am prepared to be here as long as it takes to keep him safe till he is big enough to be born. but i am scared. i don't doubt that i can do it. i am just scared.
My mother came in tonight with a few things to help pass the time. a coloring book, crayons, Markers. and yarn with crocheting needles. I decided to stop my brain from thinking so much, and took a nap. when i woke up it was lunch time. which was also lacking half of what i ordered. which was discouraging. but as i looked at what was provided for me. Doctor Mcdreamy came in to talk to me.
we talked about how well he felt my sugars were going. how much time i spend at home with my little boy, and how i was having a really hard time adapting to that change. I also brought up that i am seeing a therapist, and i need to see her, or someone. it really didn't matter but i needed to work though my anxiety or i was gonna have to be medicated and i don't feel like that is a safe way to go about it. he said he would figure something out if Nella couldn't make it over here. we talked about why it was important to have my therapy, and he understood that it was indeed a good reason. He gave me the rundown of the rest of the week, who would be my doctor, who i could expect, what the plan of the moment was. They had brought in a internal medicine doctor into the team, she is amazing, understands how hard i work to keep me health. My A1C was 6.1 which she was more then happy with that.
I called Jason to Talk, he answered and told me that he loves me but just cuz i am bored with nothing to do doesn't mean that he can just stop moving to talk to him. which depressed me that much more. I miss my family days, i miss my Cat, I miss my life. I am not even gonna post about the loss i feel of my vaginal birth. cuz that is a whole other dilemma.
As i said it has been an emotional day, and i have made it thought it. Mom and Jason and I have come up with a plan, Selena will have Justin Mondays and friday this week.. Mom with have him Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday. and Selena will have him Friday as well. Wednesday this week Mom will bring Justin in to see me. and she will also come in on friday, by herself and sunday with Molly and Paula. in the evening. which will be a good time to get together and talk about the plan for that week.
I have every confidence in Jason to give and do everything that Justin needs, I am afraid that he will do it so well he won't need me anymore Anyway i am going to sleep for the night It is almost 1 am. and tomorrow is another day. hopefully i wont think so much.
Good Night
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Day 2-4 January 27-29 2011
So, I am gonna Wrap up all that has happened in the time i have been here.
Thursday, I woke up, eat breakfast, was still hurting pretty bad so there was some med involved. and some sleep, My Grandfather Came to visit, followed by my sister, and Nephew. she brought me some things, Insulin, pump sites, my DS. My Games, Just stuff i needed that i had forgot to tell Jason about. Visited for awhile and Left, I then hung out till Jason Came and brought me my Phone charger, comouter, socks you know stuff. then he went to class. My Nurse Told me they were moving me to a more permeant room. And off i went. I got to my new Room, 109 of the PNU yay. the nurses were nice untill things calmed down a little, I was doing the Cheerful thing, trying to make people like me.... DIDNT WORK. My nurse after talking to me about my goals informed me that my Goals were too far out. and i was going to go Crazy. cuz 18 weeks is a long time away. which i thought was just Assanine. but I am not a professional.. so whatever. i will conturne to have my unreasionable goal. My Mom came to see me, and we had dinner together, thank god she was here cuz i didnt get dinner till about 8 and she had to go ask for it. but i got it. i ended up going to sleep. and having a pretty uneventful night.
Friday. My nurse woke me up with Breakfast, i ate, no complaints watched some tv, lunch, Jason came to visit. briefly he left I ate dinner, and then the shift changed and all hell broke loose. The Nurse informed me that my sugars were crazy, and that i was going to cause my Baby to be big, and mess up my placenta, and ultimately mess up my kid, I was like EXCUSE me. I know what i am doing and right now everything is up in the air and i need time to figure out things and adjust according to my new Lifestyle. and on another note i am perfectly aware what the risks and problems that come from being an uncontrolled diabetic. so i fumed for a while, The doctor Finally finished rounds at about 10 o'clock and she was discouraged about the lack of numbers that i had written down. I explained to her that is wasn't that i didn't do them it was that i didn't write them down. and she said she just needed to see them so i left it alone and came up with a plan to just call the nurse anytime i checked my sugar and make them document it. so, at 11:30 I called her in, told her my plan, and she wasn't happy. she told me that i can either work to thier rules or they would take away my pump. I was like Really, i think not. i will leave.. that is my right. she told me that i wasn't taking care of my baby. we basically got into a bitch fight. i told her to leave my room. and she took her time.. but eventually did. I then spent about an hour writing down exactly what i felt needed to happen. how i expected to be treated. and i called my mom and read it to her she said it was good. it was then about 1:30 I called the nurse, handed her the note told her to put it in the chart, and that i would like an ambein to help me sleep. the note contained ways to read my insulin pump so that the doctors and nurses could see numbers, carb, insulin amounts, and trends if they wanted to take the time to learn a little. but i then went to sleep..
Next Chapter:
Saturday: Woke up, Lin the Charge nurse was my nurse and she swore i would like her, and she wasn't going to give me a hard time. and we would work together, and for the day we did exactly that, the doctor came in. (when i say Mcdreamy i mean it) so Mcdreamy comes in and is talking about my sugars and how he feels they are just a little too low, which i a agreed with him. and explained how i had made a few changes the day before. and that i needed to unchanged them, as we are talking my sugar dropped a whole lot and it wasn't long before i passed out. i woke up in the middle of a nightmare. there were 10 people in my room, things on my bed. and doctors asking my name asked me if i knew what was happing .. i did. i told them it was dropping fast. anyway i was pretty messed up. and i probably set Mcdreamy back a few years. they then put me on a 1 on 1. which means i have a nurse that hangs out with me constantly. and makes sure i am ok. the night shift came on and she was nice. i mean she looked and acted like didn't know what she was supposed to do. i mean she couldn't even hook up the contraction monitor, and she was just really slow, like she was unsure of what the hell she was doing. but she was nice enough. I went to sleep and she then asked me how i wanted her to check on me. so i explained that my sugar was 134 and it was going to stay that way. not a big deal. but she woke me up at 3a.m. and turned on my light and checked my sugar,... making sure that i was WIDE awake. It then took me and hour or two to get back to sleep. but i did and it was fine, they took me off the 1 on 1 in the night cuz my sugar was perfect.
Thursday, I woke up, eat breakfast, was still hurting pretty bad so there was some med involved. and some sleep, My Grandfather Came to visit, followed by my sister, and Nephew. she brought me some things, Insulin, pump sites, my DS. My Games, Just stuff i needed that i had forgot to tell Jason about. Visited for awhile and Left, I then hung out till Jason Came and brought me my Phone charger, comouter, socks you know stuff. then he went to class. My Nurse Told me they were moving me to a more permeant room. And off i went. I got to my new Room, 109 of the PNU yay. the nurses were nice untill things calmed down a little, I was doing the Cheerful thing, trying to make people like me.... DIDNT WORK. My nurse after talking to me about my goals informed me that my Goals were too far out. and i was going to go Crazy. cuz 18 weeks is a long time away. which i thought was just Assanine. but I am not a professional.. so whatever. i will conturne to have my unreasionable goal. My Mom came to see me, and we had dinner together, thank god she was here cuz i didnt get dinner till about 8 and she had to go ask for it. but i got it. i ended up going to sleep. and having a pretty uneventful night.
Friday. My nurse woke me up with Breakfast, i ate, no complaints watched some tv, lunch, Jason came to visit. briefly he left I ate dinner, and then the shift changed and all hell broke loose. The Nurse informed me that my sugars were crazy, and that i was going to cause my Baby to be big, and mess up my placenta, and ultimately mess up my kid, I was like EXCUSE me. I know what i am doing and right now everything is up in the air and i need time to figure out things and adjust according to my new Lifestyle. and on another note i am perfectly aware what the risks and problems that come from being an uncontrolled diabetic. so i fumed for a while, The doctor Finally finished rounds at about 10 o'clock and she was discouraged about the lack of numbers that i had written down. I explained to her that is wasn't that i didn't do them it was that i didn't write them down. and she said she just needed to see them so i left it alone and came up with a plan to just call the nurse anytime i checked my sugar and make them document it. so, at 11:30 I called her in, told her my plan, and she wasn't happy. she told me that i can either work to thier rules or they would take away my pump. I was like Really, i think not. i will leave.. that is my right. she told me that i wasn't taking care of my baby. we basically got into a bitch fight. i told her to leave my room. and she took her time.. but eventually did. I then spent about an hour writing down exactly what i felt needed to happen. how i expected to be treated. and i called my mom and read it to her she said it was good. it was then about 1:30 I called the nurse, handed her the note told her to put it in the chart, and that i would like an ambein to help me sleep. the note contained ways to read my insulin pump so that the doctors and nurses could see numbers, carb, insulin amounts, and trends if they wanted to take the time to learn a little. but i then went to sleep..
Next Chapter:
Saturday: Woke up, Lin the Charge nurse was my nurse and she swore i would like her, and she wasn't going to give me a hard time. and we would work together, and for the day we did exactly that, the doctor came in. (when i say Mcdreamy i mean it) so Mcdreamy comes in and is talking about my sugars and how he feels they are just a little too low, which i a agreed with him. and explained how i had made a few changes the day before. and that i needed to unchanged them, as we are talking my sugar dropped a whole lot and it wasn't long before i passed out. i woke up in the middle of a nightmare. there were 10 people in my room, things on my bed. and doctors asking my name asked me if i knew what was happing .. i did. i told them it was dropping fast. anyway i was pretty messed up. and i probably set Mcdreamy back a few years. they then put me on a 1 on 1. which means i have a nurse that hangs out with me constantly. and makes sure i am ok. the night shift came on and she was nice. i mean she looked and acted like didn't know what she was supposed to do. i mean she couldn't even hook up the contraction monitor, and she was just really slow, like she was unsure of what the hell she was doing. but she was nice enough. I went to sleep and she then asked me how i wanted her to check on me. so i explained that my sugar was 134 and it was going to stay that way. not a big deal. but she woke me up at 3a.m. and turned on my light and checked my sugar,... making sure that i was WIDE awake. It then took me and hour or two to get back to sleep. but i did and it was fine, they took me off the 1 on 1 in the night cuz my sugar was perfect.
The Beginning January, 26th 2011
Wow, i don't even know where to begin. i guess i can start at the beginning.
Wednesday: 7:15 I'm awake, I get little man up and ready for the day. Make his breakfast, Eggs toast, and some orange juice. sit and watch the rest of Criminal Minds. Start the car load baby boy up and drive to my mothers house, to drop him off for the sitter. Grandma agreed to watch him because i was going in for my level 2 Ultrasound.
9:15 Drop him off, Tell him i will see him about 3pm after my Tanner appt.
Drive to Providence,
10:15 Park Nikkii, lock her up.(i never do that) walk in to the doctor suite 202.
10:30 sit in the waiting room, fill out the paperwork and wait.....
11:30 I get taken back, asked about how things are going, who is my doctor, what is my a1c. all is good.
11:40 Doctor Richey enters apologizes for the wait. she had the last two ultrasounds find abnormal babies, blah blah blah
11:45 Goo on, and i swear she says "oh shit" that doesn't look good. im gonna look at that again later, i don't like how that cervix looks. we continue looking at little man, who looks amazing, perfect in every way. then back to my short cervix. 1.7 but she wants to look at it from a different angle, so internal ultrasound is on. sure enough not good. she says you cant go home with your cervix like that. i am gonna have to stitch it. and hospitalize you. I don't want you going home with that.
12:30 I am taken down stairs. the stick me 3 times before getting a Good IV. hook baby up, heartbeat sounds Great. and we wait.
5:00 Doctor Comes in, and tells me what is gonna happen one more time.
5:45 antisatolagest comes in Informs me I will receive a Spinal for the procedure.
6:00 he decides he will just put me to sleep, doctor doesn't want me to freak out, or cough.
6:15 I walk in to the O.R. scared to death.
7:00 I am rolled into recovery, i call my husband who says that i did good that the baby is good. and he will come see me in the evening after work. do i need anything? and text him a list.
8:30 Berick and Jessie come to visit and to charge my Phone. thank god as it had pretty much died.
9:45 I call it a night and go to sleep with some pain meds
Wednesday: 7:15 I'm awake, I get little man up and ready for the day. Make his breakfast, Eggs toast, and some orange juice. sit and watch the rest of Criminal Minds. Start the car load baby boy up and drive to my mothers house, to drop him off for the sitter. Grandma agreed to watch him because i was going in for my level 2 Ultrasound.
9:15 Drop him off, Tell him i will see him about 3pm after my Tanner appt.
Drive to Providence,
10:15 Park Nikkii, lock her up.(i never do that) walk in to the doctor suite 202.
10:30 sit in the waiting room, fill out the paperwork and wait.....
11:30 I get taken back, asked about how things are going, who is my doctor, what is my a1c. all is good.
11:40 Doctor Richey enters apologizes for the wait. she had the last two ultrasounds find abnormal babies, blah blah blah
11:45 Goo on, and i swear she says "oh shit" that doesn't look good. im gonna look at that again later, i don't like how that cervix looks. we continue looking at little man, who looks amazing, perfect in every way. then back to my short cervix. 1.7 but she wants to look at it from a different angle, so internal ultrasound is on. sure enough not good. she says you cant go home with your cervix like that. i am gonna have to stitch it. and hospitalize you. I don't want you going home with that.
12:30 I am taken down stairs. the stick me 3 times before getting a Good IV. hook baby up, heartbeat sounds Great. and we wait.
5:00 Doctor Comes in, and tells me what is gonna happen one more time.
5:45 antisatolagest comes in Informs me I will receive a Spinal for the procedure.
6:00 he decides he will just put me to sleep, doctor doesn't want me to freak out, or cough.
6:15 I walk in to the O.R. scared to death.
7:00 I am rolled into recovery, i call my husband who says that i did good that the baby is good. and he will come see me in the evening after work. do i need anything? and text him a list.
8:30 Berick and Jessie come to visit and to charge my Phone. thank god as it had pretty much died.
9:45 I call it a night and go to sleep with some pain meds
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