Another tired day in paradise.

Oh my goodness, I am tired today, I have been on hospital bed-rest for 12 weeks, they NST Conner every morning, they bio-physical profile Him 3 times a week, and I have I guess been contracting every two to three minute, nothing that I feel, so that is good. Just my uterus practicing, anyway today I am starting to feel them, and it is exsusting. I have headaches. And it is killing me. Just a rough day, it is definitely one of those days where I wanna cuddle up with my husband and my little boy and watch a movie.. And plan for our new arrival. Ok I am done with my complaining.

Just happy that Conner is still incubating, that my oldest boy is safe with his daddy, I am grateful for my husband, he is an amazing man, he has stepped into my role as a momma. Lol Because I am in here I am just grateful, but still slightly complaining. I guess I can't complain. Ok I don't really know what the point of my post was I just wanted to post something.
Have an amazing evening!

30 weeks, 3 lbs 2 oz. Small side of normal! Goooooooo Conner!

Love it, good diabetes control!

30 weeks!!! 4/15/2011

So, I am 30 weeks this week! Yay me! Conner is doing good, Sherrie (Doctor Richey) ultrasounded me yesterday, and my cervix is still the same as 19 weeks which is good considering that I am up and moving about an hour a day, off and on. My internal uterine scar is still thin but not so thin we need to be scared yet which is good, and Conner has his brothers cheeks and a cute nose, and ten fingers and ten toes, and hair. Cuz I asked and she says he defiantly does.

It is drill weekend and my momma is watching Justin. So Jason gets to spend the night with me tonight. I am so grateful to be able to spend time in his arms, it is gonna feel so good, just saying... I am really hating this pelvic rest crap, but it is for Conner.

I really hate this nurse that thank god doesn't work on my floor, but I still see regularly, she is always saying how hard it must be... Hospital bedrest, and when I say "not it's really not that bad" she argues with me. IMO it is not her Job to remind me how hard life is right now, dwelling on it isn't going to do anything but make me miserable, and aspects of this whole experience do that enough already, I thing that anyone who had to do what I am doing would do it. This is our child! Make me miserable, go ahead! I'll run thought hell for this little man, and if I need to I would die for him, and not be mad about it. Anything so he can have a happy life.

I really love my doctor, sence the care conference she has changed how she talks to me about my diabetes, which is awesome, because it has become very clear that she thinks I am doing a fabulous job! That little bit of recognition goes a long way with making all my hard work worth it. I don't think that people recognize how hard she works to make things better for the people around her, I mean example, I am 30 weeks, I have been Ill at night, and so that makes my scar hurt. But at my 30 week ultrasound she spent a good amount of time getting good 3D pictures of Conner, I am sure that that 20 minutes could have been used somewhere else, but she still did it. And I am grateful for that,

Not that she reads this but Doctor Sherrie Richey! Your amazing and I appreciate all the things you go without so that my little boy can have a healthy start! Thank you! You know like sleep, Weekends, restful relaxing evening with your husband, and a zillion other things that I am sure you miss. Thank You!

My arms are empty 4/8/11

How I wish I was being held by my love, my little man is sick, I wish I was there to help with his fever, his cough, his nasty headache. I wish I could take it away his pain.. I as usual can't sleep, but my husband is fast asleep a crossed town. I wonder sometimes if he even misses me. I know he sleeps... He must how could he go on with out sleep. I just want to go home. I have 8 or 9 more weeks till my newest love is born. Then I will never sleep either, for a different reason, but still I miss home,

Selfish

So I am the most selfish person on the planet, or at least that is how I feel, I know that my husband does all he can to keep justin's life normal and healthy. Me in the hospital isn't helping, and coming to visit me is more if a burden then something that is looked forward to. I however look forward to seeing both of them.

Right now I am having a really hard time. Days are getting longer, and I am to the point where my brain works overtime and I can't make it quit. Yesterday I spent a majority of the day drugged into oblivion. I woke up with breakfast although I had been up since 6 and took a 2 hour nap between. I was more then alot tired. Jason came in for a little bit on Thursday morning, enough to give me a hug and tell me that I needed to talk to people and not just keep everything to myself, that he couldn't always be here to speak for me. As if this was something I didn't know.

I feel like the worst mother ever, but the fact is this: Justin doesn't need me. He is just fine and I am sure if he missed a week of seeing me he would be unaffected.

However this is not the point, right now what I need is some Jason time, right now my Jason time is spent trying to keep Justin from running wild, he is 2 this is normal. However it is very hard for me to get that peace that feel when I am in the Arms of my husband. When it last for 2 minutes until Justin requires attention. So, today I called my sister and made arrangements for her to pick up our son so that I could have some along time with Jason.

I have sense been informed that I am a bad person because I make Jason feel lime shit for saying I am not getting what I need. Well what I need is him!

I need Just him, I am even willing to let him have Sunday to himself. He wouldn't need to bring Justin in. Just himself after work on Friday, but that isn't going to work. I have been told that I am asking for too much, I can't make him understand that yes not seeing Justin Sunday would suck, but having his arms wrapped around me for a few hours would make my world slow down. But like I have said that isn't gonna happen.

But I will see them on Sunday.

He always has Better stuff to do, and I always feel like I am a HUGE waste of time. And it sucks! I know I am high mantinence and he would be way better off Just not wording about me... But I am going to lose my mind. If I wasn't already in the hospital I would be seeking mental help. But I am suppose to be strong and going crazy isn't an option. So I guess I will continue to keep on keeping on, although I have been doing that for 10 weeks and it is taking a huge toll on me.

I Just needed some Jason time. But I am glad that I know that that makes me a bad person.

I feel bad about making him feel bad, but I had to ask, it was what I needed. Now that I know it is unacceptable I will not ask again. I guess I will wait for him to NEED me. Lol that is a joke. He needs me around like a hole in the head. That is just a fact. He probably sleeps better with me in here, so that I am not in is sleeping space. I guess I wish I was as strong as he is.

4/5/2011

So things are doing good with Sir Conner. Nothing new has happened in quite a while. I am still on bed rest in the hospital, Our goal is 37 weeks which is still a long way off.

I am not contracting which is very good, I carry my children really low which could cause a problem. Conner as dropped yet again and I suspect Doctor Richey is going to confine me to bed more then I have been this last week. So I am bracing myself for that.

My blood sugars are doing well, they change pretty much weekly, but that is normal considering I am now in my 3 trimester.

We bought a double stroller, and bedside bassinet yesterday. Which I want to say is close to all the things we need for us to be ready for him.

I have made some really strong relationships with several of my nurses, which does make my time easier. So I am grateful for that.

Jason came and did a sleepover which was amazing! It was the best night sleep I have had in 2 months. Callie my older sister watched Justin-head for the night so I could watch movies, eat dinner, and breakfast with the man that I love so much.

My mom came back from Mexico Sunday, she said she had a good time. And I am grateful that she is back because Justin defiantly noticed the change in things.

On the 31st we had our care conference, it went really well, I think that Doctor Richey really understands how I need more positive statements when I am doing well. And I hope doctor tanner can get the progress notes to the nurses station every week. So everyone know what is going on.

Conner had a 3d photo shoot two weeks ago, and he is really cute.

I am continuing to have my horrible headaches, which is a super bummer but I am getting through the best I can.

So pretty much everything is good, and Conner is safe and cooking just like he is suppose to.