Selfish

So I am the most selfish person on the planet, or at least that is how I feel, I know that my husband does all he can to keep justin's life normal and healthy. Me in the hospital isn't helping, and coming to visit me is more if a burden then something that is looked forward to. I however look forward to seeing both of them.

Right now I am having a really hard time. Days are getting longer, and I am to the point where my brain works overtime and I can't make it quit. Yesterday I spent a majority of the day drugged into oblivion. I woke up with breakfast although I had been up since 6 and took a 2 hour nap between. I was more then alot tired. Jason came in for a little bit on Thursday morning, enough to give me a hug and tell me that I needed to talk to people and not just keep everything to myself, that he couldn't always be here to speak for me. As if this was something I didn't know.

I feel like the worst mother ever, but the fact is this: Justin doesn't need me. He is just fine and I am sure if he missed a week of seeing me he would be unaffected.

However this is not the point, right now what I need is some Jason time, right now my Jason time is spent trying to keep Justin from running wild, he is 2 this is normal. However it is very hard for me to get that peace that feel when I am in the Arms of my husband. When it last for 2 minutes until Justin requires attention. So, today I called my sister and made arrangements for her to pick up our son so that I could have some along time with Jason.

I have sense been informed that I am a bad person because I make Jason feel lime shit for saying I am not getting what I need. Well what I need is him!

I need Just him, I am even willing to let him have Sunday to himself. He wouldn't need to bring Justin in. Just himself after work on Friday, but that isn't going to work. I have been told that I am asking for too much, I can't make him understand that yes not seeing Justin Sunday would suck, but having his arms wrapped around me for a few hours would make my world slow down. But like I have said that isn't gonna happen.

But I will see them on Sunday.

He always has Better stuff to do, and I always feel like I am a HUGE waste of time. And it sucks! I know I am high mantinence and he would be way better off Just not wording about me... But I am going to lose my mind. If I wasn't already in the hospital I would be seeking mental help. But I am suppose to be strong and going crazy isn't an option. So I guess I will continue to keep on keeping on, although I have been doing that for 10 weeks and it is taking a huge toll on me.

I Just needed some Jason time. But I am glad that I know that that makes me a bad person.

I feel bad about making him feel bad, but I had to ask, it was what I needed. Now that I know it is unacceptable I will not ask again. I guess I will wait for him to NEED me. Lol that is a joke. He needs me around like a hole in the head. That is just a fact. He probably sleeps better with me in here, so that I am not in is sleeping space. I guess I wish I was as strong as he is.