The final chapter of a beautiful story.

So 09:00 my c-section got bumped. I was sitting in my room trying to stay calm.. Yeah good luck with that right? Right?

10:00 anxiety got the best of me... We.. My momma, Jason, and sister Maria walked the halls. Back and forth.. Back and forth... Back and ... Well you get the idea.

11:00 I head to the OR all prepped and nervous as can be. With my husband.. And momma with Maria close behind.. She got the most amazing shot... Picture wise.

Mikaela and I walk into the OR. I get on the table... Meet the lady that will do my spinal thingy.. We had to do it twice. Not super fun. But it wasn't bad. I sit there... Kinda go numb.. Thank god! Right? I think so. Touch my belly for the last time telling Conner "I will see you soon". Send up a prayer that it will go smoothy and lay down. The doctors walk in... Sherrie and Mark Richey. They say hi. Ask if I'm ready. And do some do you feel this tests. And put the drape up And I assume hack me open....

I am trying to breath... Jason walks in and sits down at my head... I try to remember to breath. I am super Nervous because I can't see the baby warmer area. And I won't be able to see him... Before to long I hear a soft cry... And doctor Richey tells Jason to stand up. And his head is out. And Jason takes a picture. His beautiful head peeks over the drape and I look at one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Our 2nd born son.

They take him to the warmer to do their thing. And Jason goes back to hang out with him. They sew me up.

Before too long Jason brings around the little one that I kept safe for so long. And he is set next to my head and I get to touch him And kiss him and he is perfect. (side-note he looks like his brother... Just like his brother) The Richeys take out the cerclage. And I am done. They leave the room thanking the OR staff for a good surgery. And they move me to the recovery bed.

In the recovery room they check my sugar. Put me pump back on... My nurse Mikaela calls Jessica (Conner's nurse) and has her bring Conner to me so I can do his skin on skin time. This was super important to me. His blood sugar was a little low. And to avoid NICU time we supplemented him with formula to raise his sugar. If it doesn't drop below 40 he will stay out of the NICU. I get to meet my baby boy. He is perfect just like his brother. I spend about an hour curled up with him. We recheck his sugar. Give him more food. Until he is doing better. We go to my room... 110 where Gregory And Maria are waiting.

They wheeled me in followed by my son, I would like to linger here....

I never thought I would be able to hold him that soon after his birth... The chance to feed him, touch him, kiss him, the bonding that I got to have because of the people that helped me carry him for 37 weeks.

18 weeks of bed rest. In a hospital.

Ok moving on,
He wheeled him in, I got to try to nurse him. I got to hold him. I got to hold the reason for all my time in bed. Conner Mathew. The third love of my life.

Day 130

Today I look down in my arms and see the reason for all the nights... Days... Away from my son.. Away from my husband.. Away from my life...

It was all to add to my life. The blessing in my arms will come home with me when I am released from the hospital.

I have so much to be thankful for, so many people to thank. We have all the doctors that made me stay in bed. Called me weekly to look at sugars that fluctuated for crazy reasons. Sometimes for zero reasons. Sometime for predictable reasons. I have a husband who somehow managed to keep life at home as normal as ever with a two year old to remind daily that his momma loved him and was taking care of a baby brother that he had yet to meet. He continued to provided for our family and home. Which included loss of sleep, and sanity I can only imagine. He went to work every day. Turned around and went to school twice a week. Took his classes online and somehow worked in his homework in to a schedule of craziness. He decorated a nursery. Painted a crib, chair, and dresser. Hand sponged a border on the wall of the nursery. Did all the grocery shopping. And house clean that is required when you have a toddler running wild though the house.

I had a mom that arranged to somehow between her teaching classes, working at the office, and working her shifts at the ambulance. To visit her daughter and bring in her son in so that she could see him and she took her time to spend extra time to push her around the hospital, and deal with what was sometimes a Very tired 2 year old. That comes with it's own set of challenges. She arranges to watch This kiddo three days a week. Two of those days she took him home at night and put him to bed so that my husband could just come home from school and not have to drive 20 minutes passed our home to pick up our son.

I have my father in law who supported my husband in ways that I am completely unaware of. But I have no doubt that his family was a huge support. They watched our son two days a week while Jason was at work.

We have nurses, several of them, that take great care if me. They are supportive, kind, teach me lots of things help me stay sane. And are always there when I have to complain about any and everything.

I have sisters that always take care of my face book games, call me and visit to remind me that I have people that care.

My point is that I have a million people that make my world go round. And without them I would have gone completely crazy.

I hope that all of these people A: know who they are.. And B: that they make a huge difference in this life that they helped me make.

So as I lay here tonight, holding our new son Conner, I am overwhelmed with the thought of what could have happened.

He was born 37 weeks and 2 days old. A healthy 6 lbs 13 oz. 18 1/2 inches long
Head cir. Of 34 cm. And an apgar score of 9/9. He is a miracle. An precious gift straight from god arms to mine. And I am so blessed to be his mother.

Anyway I am super excited that we will be able to go home soon. I frankly can't wait!! But Conner will go home WITH me. He isn't going to have to spend any time in the nicu. He isn't going to have to stay Here for observation. He has been able to keep me up at night... Learn to eat... And be the light Of my life.

Welcome home Conner!
You were worth all of this hard stuff!
Your perfect!

Day 123 5/28/11

GeoTagged, [N61.18789, E149.81861]

So the date is set. And approaching fast, I am so grateful that Conner will enter this world in a calm, relaxed c-section. As opposed to how it was looking 17 weeks ago.

I of course feel worried and scared.

I tell myself that he is going to be strong and full term. And I worked hard for that to happen. Even though I feel like everyone else really did the work.

My mom, she and my grandmother and Paula, and Molly have been amazing. Watching Justin 3 days a week. Some times overnight, sometimes after work 3 jobs. And some how she still found a way to bring him to see me pretty much twice a week. Go shopping for me. And keeping me from going crazy.

We have Jason's father And fathers girlfriend. They take Justin 2 times a week. Watch him and make sure that he is safe.

Justin has done so much, his greatest accomplishment keeping me loved. I have so much love for that little boy it is crazy. His smile, his laugh, the way he loves birds And fish, And running on the playground and sliding down the slide and then runs around and slides again. Or flying on the benches, how he blows kisses, And hugs and shakes his head when you want a kiss and he isn't in the mood to give one.

I think about the years my husband have been together, the hard times, the tears, the laughs, the joys, the love we have shared is nothing short of amazing.

We married almost 5 years ago, And honestly I don't know how he has put up with me. We have made 2 beautiful children together. And a million and one memories that make a life a wonderful place.

I have sisters that are amazing. Friends that alway have a supportive thing to say when I need it.

A church that is so supportive that is blows my mind.

Anyway my point is this.

I am loved, and could not have do all of this without the support of my many friends and family.

Thank You

Happy Mothers Day! May 8th 2011

This year was wonderful, Granted the location kinda sucked. but i am still the luckiest Momma live. here is how it went.[
I was going to sleep about midnight Saturday night. I had my evening meds and my Nurse Willie was walking out my bedroom door. and Jason walked in with a sleeping Justin on his Shoulder. He put him in the pack and play that i had set up for his nap time on sundays, and kissed me. we then went to bed after visiting for a little bit.
In the Morning Justin woke up first I was still on my PCA pump, which is a patient controlled pain pump. so i spent a great deal of time pushing the button as my pain level was really bad. anyway... Willie came in about 6 to  get my blood pressure and picked up Justin and laid him in bed in between Jason and Me. and he Climbed onto his daddy and loved on him. it was SOOO cute.
He got tired of laying still, and climbed down. and played for awhile. he then wandered into the bath room and came out with the hat. the container that measures my pee... on his head. Now i am pretty drugged up. so all i could say was Justin Icky. put that back, but he was having non of that. he walked around to Daddies side of my bed and put it on his head. I thought i was gonna DIE> it was so funny.

So after i woke up and Jason woke up, Justin and I watched Curious George He sat on the bed with me for a Long time and just hung out.

Justin and Conner got me a beautiful Necklace and Earring set that said MOM on it and several movie sized boxs of Candy.
Jason got me a card that had shoes on it and a Great pair of Slippers, and Flowers I love that man so much. he is remarkable sweet. we spent the morning together, and i felt so loved and Justin as they were leaving blew me a kiss, a new thing of his.

It was so nice to wake up with my little boy there to kiss good morning. and the arms of the man that make all my dreams come true wrapped around me.

Day 110 can I leave yet?

So I am 34 and 5 days pregnant..... I have been in the hospital 110 days. I have type one diabetes and a incompetent cervix. So I have been on bed rest FOREVER. I always said I would NEVER wish to have my baby boy early, however:

I am told the it doesn't matter if I wait till 38 weeks he will still spend a week in the hospital NICU.

This is NOT something I am happy about. I think god damn it I have worked way to Hard for him to have to go though all of that.... And to have to leave the hospital without him in my arms.

So basically I am bitchy Becuase I am told it doesn't matter what I do he will be born with blood sugar probloms. By doctor is taking him out the first week of June. Again...... Yeah that is only 37 weeks... I was not really ok with this because if he was born with probloms I would always wonder if one more day would have made the diffreance. So I told the doctor I want to just go into labor on my own.... Ahe said that wasn't safe, my uterus is really weak from a previous c-section. And she doesn't want me to rupture. Anyway:
I am tired of hurting, I am tired of being fed that same food every day: Monday eggs bacon muffin, chef salad, chicken strips. Tuesday blueberry coffee cake eggs bacon, something they call turkey and meatloaf for dinner, you get the idea.

I hurt everywhere, those of you who are misrable walking around..... Try being stuck in bed with and IV for 16 weeks.... And I have two more to go... My head aches constantly, my body hurts so bad I cry and my spine is so far unaligned that it might very well be a question mark! I need a chiropractor but of corse the hospital doesn't have a contract with one... So I am shit out of luck.... I am not allowed to sleep next to my husband.... Because he has to take care of our little boy. And I don't have any right to be so selfish as to take away his daddy. It's bad enough he only sees momma two hours a week.

My older sister, my use to be biggest support is all wrapped up in the kelly cup championship. And I am pretty sure she doesn't give a shit about me at all because I don't skate, and I don't have hockey equipment.

Anyway I just don't see the point anymore.... If he is born now he will be way early, he will spend a few weeks in the hospital. But If he is born term... He will spend some time in the nicu.... So.... Wth?

Anyway, I am just tired of hurting I am tired of being here, I am tired of being pregnent and I am sick and tired if knowing that I have to be here for 2 more weeks... Which I will be, because.... I don't want this kiddo to have to spend anymore time then nessasary here in this he'll hole.


Also a funny story to add to this rant bitch session. Is my youngest sister called me to tell me about the greatest first date ever!!! It is my doctors youngest son.... Lol leta just say she is the only one in the state: she has a 2 million doller house, and she flew to new york last weekend for 36 hours to see a consert. She is loaded, and she doesnt give her sons anything, but he has his medical school paid for already. It makes me laugh at the small world that is Alaska!

May 3rd 2011 and May 5th 2011

Man I am super grumpy today, I mean, I love my nurse, but I swear people do things differently... Crime of the century? No however it fucks up my whole day.

I don't care what time I go to bed.... It doesn't matter... I still need to be woken up and shit before 11... Let's face it. Sleeping till 11 isn't good. For anyone. And if you let me of course I am gonna.

I get that you don't wanna wake me up, but trust me when I say it is better for me to be woken up at 9. So I can take my meds, eat, monitor baby, so that at 12 when lunch gets here I can eat it before it gets cold..... I know it seems stupid. But breakfast is the only good meal of the day.... And if I don't eat it till 11, then I don't get my insulin till 11. Which means that my active insulin time won't be done till 2. And I really am not going to be hungry at 12. And even If I am.... I still have insulin onboard so I can't eat. As I really need to make sure my insulin is doing its job correctly.

Anyway, I am just tired of being here. I hurt so bad that I can't function.

May 5th:
My back hurts at a level 9. I can't do this anymore. I have to find some relief. Their answer to this is narcotics... Well the narcotics B: don't work and B: mess with Conner's heartbeat. If he starts failing his NST strips and his BPP they will take him out. And then he will have to put him in the NICU. Which doesn't work for me. I would rather be in mass amounts of pain then have him early.

However I think there are other things we can do for pain relief. Non of which require meds. Maybe realign my spine. Massage the Muscles that are so tight that it makes me have horrible headaches. Acupuncture. Something

Another tired day in paradise.

Oh my goodness, I am tired today, I have been on hospital bed-rest for 12 weeks, they NST Conner every morning, they bio-physical profile Him 3 times a week, and I have I guess been contracting every two to three minute, nothing that I feel, so that is good. Just my uterus practicing, anyway today I am starting to feel them, and it is exsusting. I have headaches. And it is killing me. Just a rough day, it is definitely one of those days where I wanna cuddle up with my husband and my little boy and watch a movie.. And plan for our new arrival. Ok I am done with my complaining.

Just happy that Conner is still incubating, that my oldest boy is safe with his daddy, I am grateful for my husband, he is an amazing man, he has stepped into my role as a momma. Lol Because I am in here I am just grateful, but still slightly complaining. I guess I can't complain. Ok I don't really know what the point of my post was I just wanted to post something.
Have an amazing evening!

30 weeks, 3 lbs 2 oz. Small side of normal! Goooooooo Conner!

Love it, good diabetes control!

30 weeks!!! 4/15/2011

So, I am 30 weeks this week! Yay me! Conner is doing good, Sherrie (Doctor Richey) ultrasounded me yesterday, and my cervix is still the same as 19 weeks which is good considering that I am up and moving about an hour a day, off and on. My internal uterine scar is still thin but not so thin we need to be scared yet which is good, and Conner has his brothers cheeks and a cute nose, and ten fingers and ten toes, and hair. Cuz I asked and she says he defiantly does.

It is drill weekend and my momma is watching Justin. So Jason gets to spend the night with me tonight. I am so grateful to be able to spend time in his arms, it is gonna feel so good, just saying... I am really hating this pelvic rest crap, but it is for Conner.

I really hate this nurse that thank god doesn't work on my floor, but I still see regularly, she is always saying how hard it must be... Hospital bedrest, and when I say "not it's really not that bad" she argues with me. IMO it is not her Job to remind me how hard life is right now, dwelling on it isn't going to do anything but make me miserable, and aspects of this whole experience do that enough already, I thing that anyone who had to do what I am doing would do it. This is our child! Make me miserable, go ahead! I'll run thought hell for this little man, and if I need to I would die for him, and not be mad about it. Anything so he can have a happy life.

I really love my doctor, sence the care conference she has changed how she talks to me about my diabetes, which is awesome, because it has become very clear that she thinks I am doing a fabulous job! That little bit of recognition goes a long way with making all my hard work worth it. I don't think that people recognize how hard she works to make things better for the people around her, I mean example, I am 30 weeks, I have been Ill at night, and so that makes my scar hurt. But at my 30 week ultrasound she spent a good amount of time getting good 3D pictures of Conner, I am sure that that 20 minutes could have been used somewhere else, but she still did it. And I am grateful for that,

Not that she reads this but Doctor Sherrie Richey! Your amazing and I appreciate all the things you go without so that my little boy can have a healthy start! Thank you! You know like sleep, Weekends, restful relaxing evening with your husband, and a zillion other things that I am sure you miss. Thank You!

My arms are empty 4/8/11

How I wish I was being held by my love, my little man is sick, I wish I was there to help with his fever, his cough, his nasty headache. I wish I could take it away his pain.. I as usual can't sleep, but my husband is fast asleep a crossed town. I wonder sometimes if he even misses me. I know he sleeps... He must how could he go on with out sleep. I just want to go home. I have 8 or 9 more weeks till my newest love is born. Then I will never sleep either, for a different reason, but still I miss home,

Selfish

So I am the most selfish person on the planet, or at least that is how I feel, I know that my husband does all he can to keep justin's life normal and healthy. Me in the hospital isn't helping, and coming to visit me is more if a burden then something that is looked forward to. I however look forward to seeing both of them.

Right now I am having a really hard time. Days are getting longer, and I am to the point where my brain works overtime and I can't make it quit. Yesterday I spent a majority of the day drugged into oblivion. I woke up with breakfast although I had been up since 6 and took a 2 hour nap between. I was more then alot tired. Jason came in for a little bit on Thursday morning, enough to give me a hug and tell me that I needed to talk to people and not just keep everything to myself, that he couldn't always be here to speak for me. As if this was something I didn't know.

I feel like the worst mother ever, but the fact is this: Justin doesn't need me. He is just fine and I am sure if he missed a week of seeing me he would be unaffected.

However this is not the point, right now what I need is some Jason time, right now my Jason time is spent trying to keep Justin from running wild, he is 2 this is normal. However it is very hard for me to get that peace that feel when I am in the Arms of my husband. When it last for 2 minutes until Justin requires attention. So, today I called my sister and made arrangements for her to pick up our son so that I could have some along time with Jason.

I have sense been informed that I am a bad person because I make Jason feel lime shit for saying I am not getting what I need. Well what I need is him!

I need Just him, I am even willing to let him have Sunday to himself. He wouldn't need to bring Justin in. Just himself after work on Friday, but that isn't going to work. I have been told that I am asking for too much, I can't make him understand that yes not seeing Justin Sunday would suck, but having his arms wrapped around me for a few hours would make my world slow down. But like I have said that isn't gonna happen.

But I will see them on Sunday.

He always has Better stuff to do, and I always feel like I am a HUGE waste of time. And it sucks! I know I am high mantinence and he would be way better off Just not wording about me... But I am going to lose my mind. If I wasn't already in the hospital I would be seeking mental help. But I am suppose to be strong and going crazy isn't an option. So I guess I will continue to keep on keeping on, although I have been doing that for 10 weeks and it is taking a huge toll on me.

I Just needed some Jason time. But I am glad that I know that that makes me a bad person.

I feel bad about making him feel bad, but I had to ask, it was what I needed. Now that I know it is unacceptable I will not ask again. I guess I will wait for him to NEED me. Lol that is a joke. He needs me around like a hole in the head. That is just a fact. He probably sleeps better with me in here, so that I am not in is sleeping space. I guess I wish I was as strong as he is.

4/5/2011

So things are doing good with Sir Conner. Nothing new has happened in quite a while. I am still on bed rest in the hospital, Our goal is 37 weeks which is still a long way off.

I am not contracting which is very good, I carry my children really low which could cause a problem. Conner as dropped yet again and I suspect Doctor Richey is going to confine me to bed more then I have been this last week. So I am bracing myself for that.

My blood sugars are doing well, they change pretty much weekly, but that is normal considering I am now in my 3 trimester.

We bought a double stroller, and bedside bassinet yesterday. Which I want to say is close to all the things we need for us to be ready for him.

I have made some really strong relationships with several of my nurses, which does make my time easier. So I am grateful for that.

Jason came and did a sleepover which was amazing! It was the best night sleep I have had in 2 months. Callie my older sister watched Justin-head for the night so I could watch movies, eat dinner, and breakfast with the man that I love so much.

My mom came back from Mexico Sunday, she said she had a good time. And I am grateful that she is back because Justin defiantly noticed the change in things.

On the 31st we had our care conference, it went really well, I think that Doctor Richey really understands how I need more positive statements when I am doing well. And I hope doctor tanner can get the progress notes to the nurses station every week. So everyone know what is going on.

Conner had a 3d photo shoot two weeks ago, and he is really cute.

I am continuing to have my horrible headaches, which is a super bummer but I am getting through the best I can.

So pretty much everything is good, and Conner is safe and cooking just like he is suppose to.

My Dear Husband, thank you for the best day ever 3/23/11

My Husband Jason,

Today was going to be a hard day. I woke up 3 1/2 hours after i went to bed. Vicky was my nurse and told me that Doctor Richey wanted me up in her office for my UltraSound. at 8:40. I got Dressed and put on my shoes, and socks and went on up.

Sitting in the lobby i was Nervous because of the extra pain i have been in because Conner is Growing and my Internal Scar a problem. So i was a little afraid that my body might be giving up on the pregnancy.

I got called back and I go to look at the 3rd Love of my life. Somebody that i know without a doubt i would do anything for. Anything at all. He Is Beautiful, His little hands were by his face. but the brought them down long enough for a few good looks at his face. He looks like you, so i know that i am in Huge Trouble.

As i am laying there i get a Text from you that asks what time my ultrasound was.. I replied right then. when i was on the elevator i got another one asking about how the scar looked. I got to tell you it was fine. Nothing that is immediately concerning. I hed up to my room and eat my breakfast.

Selina called and said that she was on her way into the hospital to bring Justin-head to see me. I was over the moon. I thought that it was going to be a hard week with my momma gone. so i would not get to see Justin as much as i would normally get too. Right about the time i expected him to walk in the door in walks the man that gives me the world on a daily basis.  YOU

You came with coffee. and a smile. I love that smile. You spent a little over an Hour pushing me in the wheelchair. we got you some lunch and headed back to the room to eat,.. and see if we could get little man down for a nap. I so desperately wanted to spend some alone time with you. I watched you put Justin down for his nap after Lunch of PB&J and then we cuddled up on my bed and it felt so good to be in your arm. I was so Tired but I didn't want to go to sleep,.. because then i would have missed it. I know just like that song by that one guy that was on the sound track for that one movie. but that was EXACTLY how i felt.

We Talked and Laughed and made Jokes about things that were serious. Jokes that made me realize you miss me as much as i miss you.. You need me the same. I was the most Perfect day.

Justin woke up and ended up playing for a while. and even cuddled with momma and Daddy. for a while also. but as it often happens in a hospital good times must come to an end. I had people coming in, and i had other things that Had to be talked about and you rushed off. which was the way it almost always goes.

I am sorry for the frustration that i get,... I try so hard to keep everything in control. but i am really bad at it. The Care Conference on the 31st is mind numbing. I want it to be perfect. and i don't know if it will be. i am afraid i will be unable to get what i need without ticking people off.  so i got frustrated and yelled at you... I am sorry for that. you as always was right, but you always help me with what i need even if i don't think i need it. or Just don't know i need it.


You are the most amazing Father, Husband, lover and best friend i could ever ask for.
Thank You

This is Dedicated to... (see list in blog)

Ok the list is at the end of the blog because i feel that you need to actually read it to understand why they deserve their own blog entry.

So I have been here at the Hospital forever and a day, So this NEEDS to be said because it is so true. 

I Hear-by Declare, (well i wish i could declare) that the Nurses in every Prenatal Units EVERYWHERE shall receive a bonus. 

This bonus is for the Following:

1: They Make things better, when everything is wrong.

2: They dry tears that are sometimes purely hormonal. 

3: They Hold back hair, Clean up puke and other bodily fluids that randomly happen. 

4: They carry out the doctors orders, this can be Very difficult. Because we very often HATE what the doctor wants to do. 

5:They are the bringers of Pain meds, Water Cups, food, a kind word, a listening ear, subway (Vicky) Valley snow(Heidi it was snow from home. cuz i had been gone for so long) Q tips & a random notebook(Lyn) a Wheelchair ride with conversation about the same thing we talked about last night and the night before, and the night before that, (Patience) Movies From their house, (Mary). Catylin, Katy, Mickayla, Debbie, Deborah, Patty,

5: They Have write notes about everything that goes on even if it is little and may seem un-important. 

6: Mostly they Hold hands, Rub shoulders, I am sure Cry with people, show compassion, get along, do the hard stuff, and get Paid not nearly enough for the 12 hour shifts where they basically wait on people and make days that can be VERY long, Just a little bit shorter. 

So the bonus will be this....

Every Nine(9) months they will receive one tenth(10) of the the amount of money that the OBGYN was paid for the duration of each patients stay. So a woman is here for 18 weeks, the OBGYN makes 100,000.00 the Nurse shall get 10,000.00. I don't think that it is nearly enough, but it is a start.

The way I feel, no matter how wrong it is.

I am having a really hard time.

I try to stay positive, count my blessings, and be grateful for them.

But right now, today my blessing are painful. I want so badly to not have to miss everything in my Childs life, I know I don't miss everything. That is an exaggeration.
And maybe from somebody else's view (two people in fact) I am not doing a good enough job with my positiveness.

I hate having to feel like I must justify my feelings, my feelings are mine, no one else's. But maybe I am defending them from myself. I was taught that justification was a thinking error. But I am finding it difficult to find a way to change how I feel about my feelings.

I feel like I am missing things in justin's life:
Justification: I am missing things in his life, but I am missing them for my other Childs life... Without my missing justin's life I would/possibly miss all of Conner's life. Therefor I feel horrible to wish to be somewhere that would in fact jeopardize a life that NEEDS me.

I am so grateful for the compassionate wonderful nurses, family, friends, and loved ones that work with me, that being said.

I am not grateful for the particular tech that randomly does things that are NOT harmful. But inconsiderate. Did she do it on purpose? No of corse not, she did it without thinking, why would anyone care if their room number was written on their cup? Or I guess maybe I am wondering why I care? Am I wrong to care? To be angry at something so petty? Yes I do believe that I am. But I'd doesn't change the fact that THAT is how I feel regardless of "right" or "wrong".

I am sad that I will have to have a c-section. Why? Because in my mind I had an image of going though a trial in life, a hard, painful, exhausting right of passage. If you will. There are people I know that consider a c-section as the easy way out. Is it easy? Well I guess I would have to say NO. It isn't. And it will leave me feeling empty. I am jealous of woman that get to snuggle and breastfeed. Their shocked probably cold newborns. They get that last push, exhale, Cry, and it is over.... The pain is over... Now it is all about you and him/her. And the whole world will disappear. For me I will get to meet my newborn on a cold OR table where my hands may be tied down, and I am so drugged up that I may or may not remember the process. I am aware that I sound ridiculous. That these are irrational feelings and they are stupid. But it doesn't change their existence.

Today there was a comment on a vent on my Facebook, one that didn't need a comment. One that accused me of yelling at people that I in fact didn't do. I didn't yell or curse at anyone, just Facebook. Privately. Yet she felt the need to accuse me of it. Leaving me feeling attacked in a already upset state which in fact made it much worse... As I reacted poorly. And the yelled and cursed at her. Did she deserve it? No of course not. She is in fact a nurse, or so I now understand. She probably took my statement/vent as a some what personal attack on herself and other people in her line of work that she no doubt feels like are having to deal with things that they shouldn't. She wasn't there she didn't know, yet I now sit here feeling bad about being mad, and venting on Facebook. When in my logical train of thought was better then actually yelling at said individual.

I am sorry I feel the way I feel.... I guess that is my point.... But it is still the way I feel.

I know there are simple fixes to my problems,

Hands tied down? ask then to not do so.
Cup got written on? Ask for a new one.
Missing my Childs life? Well there really isn't a way around that i see him twice a week And even that in fact puts people out.

My life is in others control, and I find it unfair.....

Suck it up, and just agree if it is your idea then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But how do I trick my mind into thinking that something unpleasant. Is truly the best way to go about things?
How?

26 weeks pregnent!!!! 3/16/2011

It was a fabulous day, started out slow, I slept in till 11. I don't know how that happened but it was good. I had breakfast, and we monitored Sir Conner for a while. He is doing great, he is already doing accelerations and giving a reactive NST. which is really good for his age. He is 26 weeks today.. which is exciting.

I have been Hospitalized for 7 weeks today, that is a lot of days. but i think i am handling it OK. I mean don't get me wrong it sucks a great deal of time. but today isn't one of them.

I woke up, Had breakfast, tested baby, about 4:30 The most handsome man in the whole world walked into my room in his uniform. God i love that uniform. we hung out for a little bit. then went on our walk....

we went out towards his car. so he could get the movies he brought me. Then we took the elevator to the second floor for whatever reason. LOL i promise this has a very funny ending. we went to the other elevator. and he got me in and as the doors close he gets out. LOL I'm like well huh the button is already pushed. so down i go.... No Jason to push me out of said elevator. so the doors open.. and here i sit... lucky for me there was no one that wanted to go up... cuz that would have been awkward. I mean really my Chair pretty much takes up all of the elevator. so i push the 2 button with my foot. LOL and up i go. and when the doors open.. Nothing. No Jason. so the doors close and i hit the 1 button also with my foot. and down i go. and as the doors open... there Jason is. God i couldn't quit laughing,

we went and sat by the fish and talked about stuff. nothing super. but you know just random stuff. and then we headed back to my room.

I organized the movies he brought and fed Gregory... I am not sure i have Told you all about Gregory. i will later,, but then i got to cuddle with him for a good while,.. But then he had to go. cuz i swear to you he looks more and more tired everyday. I swear he doesn't get any sleep. I don't know where he finds the strength to carry on. I mean i know that being a Momma is Hard work. but I cant imagine being the MOM, DAD, full time job, and Full time Student. He amazes me.

OK, so Gregory... He is my Betta fish.. Callie My Sister, Got me Gregory. with a tank and everything. My Nurse Vicky. she Went to the store and got herself one. cuz he is so beautiful. he swims and just hangs out.

I really Love my life.

My Momma and Her Wife Paula.. they are always there for me. whether it be a phone call, or a visit. or a gallon of gas. i don't ever remember a time that they weren't there when i need them.

My Sister Callie. God She is always there. I will never be able to repay her for all the money she has spent. the car that i wrecked, the wedding she planned. the times she has picked me up in the middle of the night. we have had drunk crazy nights, calm serous conversations, and Outrageous fights, that I always win... Mostly cuz she lets me. I love you Callie.

Whitney... I swear to go it is a miracle she is still alive... If you had told me that we would be as close as we are now when we were younger.. i would have called you a lier. I mean my mission in life was to kill her... She was so annoying.. but Nope we are pretty freaking close now. our Kiddos, Justin and Kaylynn are 2 months apart. almost 3 i guess. but still pretty damn close. We Geo cache together, Hang out, GO on walked with the kids in the summer. and always have something to do... Walmart, Target, or just hanging out in our living rooms.

Amie, God Amie, we have so many Jokes that are only funny between the 2 of us... DRIVE!!!!!! and Fishing for lake trout. suck and Elf.. God, So many. she has been a lifesaver more then a few time. when I just need to yell and scream about stupid stuff that should not bug me at all. but she always listens no matter what. I wish she lived closer. She sent me flowers, and A leopard stuffed animal. She is just yet another amazing part of my life.

Molly Doll, God she helps in so many ways.. she came in to town the other day, gave me a neck rub cuz the my back hurt, Bed-rest is hard on the back. I don't even know how that is possible. She Helps Grandma watch Justin.. three days a week. and honestly that is HUGE. She is so amazing.

Lindsey, God Sisterly #6 She is AMAZING she is in school in Ashland, in an O state. Ohio I think. LOL She sent me the most amazing package ever.. it had some notes, an Amazing crayon. and the most EPIC calender it counts down the days till Conner is 38 weeks. which is Less then 100 days away. YAY.

Grandma Claudia, She is pretty freaking fabulous too. She watches Justin Tues, Wed, Thurs. we don't pay her.. She just watches him. which is amazing, she is always there.. she sings the best songs. and we have some Great Memories, Utah, Winnimucca, Muphrys California, SO much stuff. I love her so much.. she is a Huge part of the reason i am the strong person i am today.

My In-Laws, they watch my kiddo. Mondays and Fridays, and most Saturdays, so that Jason can get the stuff around the house done that he needs to get done. Conner's room looks amazing. and they watch Justin while Jason works on it. I am Really grateful for them.

Grandma Shorthill, She i swear sends me Packages of random things i might need, or might never have a need for, I love her so much. she is sick and has been for Quite some time at this point. she just cant shake this Cold/Flu/Insomnia. but she Calls me EVERY DAY> I Know she feels like she is letting me down cuz she cant come visit. but Just a Call makes a Huge differences in my sometimes really Crappy days.

My BFF Maria, God there is so much to be said She is a Huge Strength, She always has been. she is the most amazing person I have ever Met, We Met in God it must have been the 2nd grade. she Gave me a vial of Jasmine Perfume. from her "mix your own Perfume" kit. that was before i moved to willow with my Momma when she Got divorced. and in the 7th grade, There she was, Maria. and honestly we clicked pretty much Immediately.. we were Friends for pretty much all of high school. at one point we went our separate ways. mostly because i was a selfish "its all about me" brat. and she needed space. but we are Best friends. When she got sick, it was really hard,. I prayed. and Cried and Never Gave up. cuz guess what... she was gonna be fine. And she was. I visited her in Seattle once. we had so much fun. we went on a road trip. and to the space needle. and did lots of stuff that is just awesome. that is the first time i went to a different city. for the only purpose of visiting someone i cared about. We sometimes go months without talking.. but when we do.. we NEVER run out of things to say. we have inside jokes too.... Polar Bears,, Penguins and Lube. LOL she knows stuff about me that no one knows. I have never had to lie to her. and i never will.

My BFF Berick. That man i swear stands by me. Some times he Makes me so mad. and we break up. but never for very long. He also means the world to me. He sometime really drops the ball... but never when it is really important. well almost never when it is really important. He listens to me bitch and moan about nothing. and calms me down when i get really upset. over my own web of mistakes, although that has not happened in a few years. thank god. there is so much to be said about Him. He is Brilliant.

Jason, My Dear Jason... God that Man. He Married me 4 and a half years ago. God i was a mess. he have been though so much. but we always make it though. this isn't the most fun thing i have ever done, but adding to our family is such a wonderful blessing to be able to do. I Love the way he looks when he is with out son. Justin. He loves him more then anything ever. even his, SHHHH Ram Charger. LOL He is my Best Friend. Lover, Companion, Father of my Children and My Soul Mate. There are a million and one things that i could say about him.. but i won't. He knows all my faults and loves me anyway.

I am running out of time to write.. I am using the Hospitals computer to write this.. Mine is at home with Jason because he has to have a computer to do his online classes. so i am gonna close this up.. I have all of my people that i am immediately thinking about...

3/13/2011 another day of bed rest

Today was Just another day, I am having some issues with my sugars, i think i have an underlying infection. which makes for extra sugar to be around or something.. All i know for sure is that when i have an infection, I have weird sugars. So the fact that i had a tooth break off three weeks ago... makes me think that it might be an infection in my gum, or the start of one. which could be bad.. because i have heard that such infections can lead to preterm labor... which would not equal a good thing.

So Doctor Richey who comes back tomorrow from a well deserved weekend off. is not only gonna freak out about my sugars, but she's gonna blame Doctor Tanner, Talk about how she wants to control my Diabetes with shots.... and it is gonna stress me out..... and she is going to get a dental consult. which will be a good thing. I am going to continue with a 3rd antibiotic. this one 3 times a day, on top of the other two that i have had sense the beginning of this fun adventure.

Doctor Tanner Returns from Mexico this week, so we are going to set up a Care Conference. and i am going to attempt to get my brilliant doctors, (Because they Both are brilliant at what they do.) to talk to each other. so that i don't feel like the middle man in a bad divorce. you know the kind.... Tell your dad that i need him to be at your game on friday, because i have to work. and Ask your Mom if she could pick you up from school because i have to attend a late meeting, and it is that or you can ride the school bus. and I know she would prefer you not have to do that. Not that those are even accurate examples because i have Never been a carrier pigeon for any of my Parents issues. they always talked to each other on the phone or in those damn weekly family meetings when things needed to be different then what was normal.

I understand Doctor Richey's Frustration, She Takes care of me, and her job is to make sure that Baby Conner is cooked in a Stable, Heathy, Non sugar coated environment. and Me being his Environment would include..... Medicine for Bipolar, Medicine for diabetes, and antibiotics for infections that could make for a hard time for me. and she specializes in Perinatology, which i believe is the big word for Complicated pregnancies, a category of which i more then fit into. She is the Very best.

Doctor Tanner Specializes in Diabetes, another Category that i fit into without question. I am Diabetic pregnant or not. He became my doctor in april of 2008 when my A1C was the Lowest it had ever been at a 9.9 or something... (Not good). He Pretty much had me at

"Hello, i'm Ross Tanner, and I see that you would like to take better control of your sugars, That is something i would like to help you with.. but i can't do it for you. here are some baby steps to get you on the right track... if we can start small i don't see any reason why we couldn't have you with a A1C of 6 in a few months, It is going to take work... on your part, but i can be a good resource to Help you with this if it is something that you really want to do. I can give you tools and teach you how to use them. but in the end it is going to be you... YOU can Do This."

He was right, It took work, He was a HUGE support, I was on an Insulin pump a month or two later. and things have been pretty good. we got thought the complicated 9 month Pregnancy, I ended it with a A1C of 5.4. and a Healthy Full Term beautiful baby boy. I trust him. He understands me. He can Joke. I am NOT his easiest Patient of this i am SURE> but he has and never will give up on me. even when i slacked off and had my A1C up at 8.2 when there was NO good excuse. I have Never been Hospitalized with an Episode of DKA in the time that I have been in his Care. before him it was once sometimes twice a year. including a week or so in the ICU in a Diabetic coma. when I went though my fun out every night, drink like a fish. he said, "that is really not good for you" however here is how alcohol works and dissolves in your system. did he think it was the best decision to make. NO. Did he understand that i was an adult, and i make my own Choices, good, bad, or indifferent. YES. He supplied me with the information that would make me live though it.

anyway, wow off point much.. my point was

He doesn't need to know what my Cervix is doing to do his Job....

She Does need to know what and how we are taking care of sugars to do hers...

He and I make changes on my Insulin pump weekly, we Talk about my sugars, we talk about Trends, we talk about how I can make big problems not happen again.

She Comes in Everyday.. she Feels my Tummy, looks at my sugars, and when she sees numbers she doesn't like she tells me she doesn't like them. She however Knows that she isn't in charge of my sugars. She doesn't make Changes on my pump. If she feels like I need to make a change she would need to call the Specialist that takes care of that department and make her suggestion. as far as i can tell she has NEVER CALLED or requested Records of any kind from Doctor Tanners office. I however did. I said i would like you guys to send all this stuff to her, as i don't think she feels in the loop. but she does on a regular bases say she is unhappy with the control or in her opinion lack thereof i have over my sugars.

so i need them to get together and play well in the sandbox. and talk nice and understand that not only am i a Paying customer, but I have a miniature Human that needs them to get along, because when they don't... it stresses me out.

So that is what we are having the Care Conference about.

My Momma and Grandma are going on Vacation, the will be gone for 2 weeks..... I may DIE!!!

Well hopefully not. but it is going to be a challenge to not have my normal biweekly visits. I will see my son on sundays, and the rest of the week i will not hear anything from the sitter, this is slightly stressful. but i do trust that my Husband would NEVER put Justin in danger, and His Dad and his dads Girlfriend would never hurt him. or do damage in anyway, they just don't do it my way. which sucks, but i will get over it. but after the 20th it is going to be very rough on me. so prepare yourself for a rough couple of weeks, But i am sure it will all be fine.

anyway it is like 4 in the morning and i am going to go to bed... or at least try. we will see how that goes. I love all my people I am blessed to have you all in my life and i will forever thank God above that you are a part of my life.

My wonderful husband!! 3/12/2011

GeoTagged, [N61.18809, E149.81833]

I get pictures randomly of Conner's nursery. This evening I received one. He has completed the border for his room. We had decided to do an ocean theme, Justin's nursery was done in a jungle type theme. So we went with the other side of the spectrum. Focused on the blue he picked out the bedding set and in the mist of all the hospitalization confusion he has picked colors for the walls, painted said walls, and designed a border that he himself painted and sponged to the wall.
He amazes me, he does all of this in between his full time job, full time school, full time single daddy, and still manages to come visit his wife and unborn child toddler in toe. Which is NOT easy to do. I don't know when he has time to sleep.

He is always there to offer support when I hit a brick wall and can't function one more minute he reminds me that this is where I need to be to get Conner here safely.
His love for me and our boys at times is very emotional for me. I don't know how I got so lucky to call this man MINE. I am so blessed. He could have walked away... Three years ago no one would have blamed him. Not even me. But he is still here and he loves me so completely he truly is the light of my life. I can't wait to see him light up when our youngest son is placed in his arms.

I remember how softly and tenderly he touched me after he handed Justin to me that morning after he was born. His hand is always in the pictures like he didn't want to let him go. We at that moment became a family. And I will cherish those memories for the rest of my life. And like I have said a zillion times I can't wait to add to them.

I could go on forever about how much he means to me and never get it right. So I am going to stop trying.

I only hope that I love him in a way that makes him melt. Because he has made me into everything I have ever wanted to be. A wife, a mother, a companion, and a best friend.
Thank you Jason Giese.

3/11/2011

Wow, I'm a having a bad blood sugar weekend. And it's only Saturday morning. Now I haven't slept. I have to keep telling myself that this is just a phase that happens a zillion times in the course of a pregnancy. And all I can do is document the sugars trends for a few days, correcting them as needed, and call and get the input from my team as to the changes that need to happen.

On a positive note.... I had a wonderful visit with a very good friend. Chris who lives in Kansas came up to visit his family and friends for a few weeks, as he is deploying in June. And he came in yesterday for a while and today for several hours. It was so good to see him. And talk like we never stopped. I am truly blessed to have people that go out of there way to visit me. So I am not sure that he reads my blog.... But he will probably never know how much that meant to me.

That visit was followed by my sister Marco aka Whitney, and of course Kaylynn. We hung out for a while and I am always so shocked how fast she is growing. She is so cute... She loved throwing off random things off my couch. Lol and when she couldn't reach the things she would get mad and pound her little fists and whine about it.

My older sister Callie came in with Trey Trey, and a beautiful Betta, fish tank and all. She then spend a great deal of time setting up the tank in my window. I named him Gregory. He is a beautiful blow graceful fish. And it is very soothing to watch him glide his little body threw the water and around his plants.

My momma called me, and we talked briefly but we said we would talk later as I was with my sisters. The left at 6:30 ish. After a nice walk with the kiddos. It was truly a wonderful day.

Dinner was already in my room after my walk. However I had a horrible blood sugar issue and so I had to really focus to stay alert enough to eat. It took me 2 hours for my sugar up. And then it went up plenty. And I have spent the last 6 hours fighting with it to get it down.

I am really afraid of being judged and ridiculed by my doctor. I know that she would like my blood sugars managed in a different form. Which Frustrates me I don't believe that going back to shots is going to be as successful as the pump. It is going to take control from me and give it to her. I understand that she would like more control. But I don't feel that I am doing a bad job. I check my sugars and follow the changes that doctor tanner and his capable staff have instructed me to do.

I think that the staff here at the hospital have a tendency to focus on the diabetes, which as I have so many times pointed out is NOT the reason I am here on hospital bed rest. I am here because of a incompetent cervix. And a thin lower uterus scar. But they are not causing problems right now. Therefore they are focused on numbers and things that are frankly not in their control. And also not out of control.

Which leads me to want to hide when things get out of control. Which leads to frustration and stress.

Anyway, I am loved and cared for

And I am very grateful for all of the people in my life. Thank you so much all.

Dear Justin: Love mommy

Hey little man, I woke up this morning missing you. Grandma is bringing you over to see me today, I can't wait!

I miss little things, your laugh, your smiles, the cute was you wake up and play so you don't wake me up. I miss being able to touch your face whenever I want. I miss making your eggs. You love eggs. Mostly I miss being a mom.

I am not going to lie and say that Taylor Swifts words don't come to mind... Don't you ever grow up. Just stay this little. But I don't want you to grow up, I want you to make Mistakes, learn from them. So I'm not going to be selfish and say don't do anything new.

I just want you to know that I am here missing you.. Right now your little brother needs me to help him. We want him to come home in June. So you can teach him all the little things, how to start a band out of pots and spoons. How to pick just the right cereal to put on the floor, the whole box.. Not Just half. Ha ha that was daddy job to pick up. But just so you know that is something I wish I had been there.

I want to kiss you goodnight. Not just be a goodnight call. I wish you could understand about your brother, I don't think it would this easier but then at least you could understand why I have to be gone.

Today we are going to take a walk, and you will probably cry when we have to leave the window with your toys. But once you get out to the hall you will be a happy boy. You will probably walk all by yourself, which is good cuz momma can't carry you. Maybe we will have lunch and sit and I can just enjoy the little view of your world... That I can see.... Although it feels like I am watching it from a distance. I am glad I get to at least watch. An before you know it, I will be there to destroy your life. Or make it better (depends on the day) I can't wait, but I will... Cuz Conner is just as important as you. And the moment daddy put you I'm my arms and I thought my heart would explode. And I want to have another moment like that. You will understand that, when you have your first child. And you look into his or her eyes, and realize that this is a moment you will forever hold in your heart.

Anyway, your momma is the biggest sap ever, and daddy would roll his eyes and say I am being a silly head. Bu I want to let you know that I love you. Tons and tons. And I couldn't love you more. And I can't wait for you to meet your little brother it will only be 12 more weeks or so. I love you baby!

Love momma

I'm sad 3/8/2011

I am at a complete loss, I was always told to ask for what you need. Well alot of good that did. I have come to conclusion that people in a relationship suck! I mean how often do you go to lunch with your bff and take your husband? Everytime! I mean I understand to a certain extent. But really, my bff always brings other half. Well she does all the talking, he plays in his phone...... Um.... Well here is a thought maybe I'm not super happy about that. If your stupid ninja game is all you can think to do.. Maybe you should stay home. Your bored, and she Hates hospital and probably me. So how about you don't do me any favors. I don't need it. Seriously? You lent me twilight, and today you ask me whatever happened to it. What do you think? I watched it... And it is still sitting on the window sill with the rest of the movies.... Did you think I gave it away? You borrowed a movie from me what? 4 months ago? Have I asked NO! Why? cuz I assumed you have it you will return it when you remember. I'm not worried. It's not like a pair Of shoes. So I feel. My BFF has nothing to say to me, and his girlfriend doesn't want to be here by her own admission. So why come?

I am Just tired.. Irritated cuz there is nothing on tv, the Internet doesn't work tonight, and I just wanna curl up in a little ball and feel sorry for myself.

It bugs me everything bugs me. And I am sure said girlfriend is gonna have a huge issue with this blog, and she is a follower of my blog, so she is gonna be mad. She is probably going to say that I should just be grateful. And she is right, I should be... But I want my friend back.. The one where I didn't feel like I have to have something to say. We could just sit and watch a movie. Or whatever.

But no.... I am a bitch that can't county blessings cuz when I was I was told that I bitched all the time, blanketly blaming the world. So if that was what I was doing them maybe that is what I should do... I mean positive shit didn't do any good. I am still in this shitty hospital room. Where no one wants to go. Not my husband, not my mom, not my sisters. And certainly not my best friend. Don't get me wrong they all come... Well most of them. Most of them come in and that was there only reason for coming in. But let's face it... It is a huge burden.... They don't have time... And I am feeling totally guilty for being here... Making them feel obligated to go out of their way and visit me.
So this isn't a vent.... Im not mad, or upset. I am just done. This is me giving up. Those who love me will still love me. Those who don't, it isn't a loss. Cuz... I just don't need it.

Party at my place! 3/6/2011

Lol, it was a good day, grandma's birthday party. Pizza, cake, and normalcy

My baby boy is doing well. He is behaving and cooking like a good kiddo.

I am not going to lie... I sometimes feel like all of this is my fault. I should have waited longer to have another kiddo. Maybe then I wouldn't be here, working so hard to get him here safely.

But Justin made our already happy life complete. We knew we wanted more then one. And I guess if it wasn't supposed to be heavenly father wouldn't have made it happen. I just have to keep faith and know that everything is going to work out in the end.

Anyway, my momma brought pizza and cake.. And flowers. Also kayla and molly and paula. Jason brought Justin and clothes... As well as some contraband! Yay thin mints! Grandma brought auntie beth and Callie brought Trey! Whitney brought miss Kay Kay.

The only thing missing was Lindsey, and Amie.

We went for a walk, and it was so good to get out as always. But because Thursday things got all messes up I haven't gone out with my people in a while. So it was really nice.

A few conflicts are.... I got a call from my dad Carry. Who I don't talk to a whole lot. But he has visited a few times, and called some also. He wasn't feeling good and sounded it. The doctor ended up coming in in the middle of the call, I told him I would have to call him back. I didn't get a chance to do that. I did however call my grandma back from earlier that morning and she mentioned he was upset about how I hadn't. In his mind it is hard to make the time to call everyday, and not feeling good doesn't help. So I felt really bad.

I mean I don't mean to be ungrateful, I just got busy, preoccupied. But I feel guilty. Not a good feeling

I woke up on the 7th dizzy and disoriented. I ate breakfast, lunch, had and IV hooked up for additional fluid. And then threw up my lunch, I had a really mean headache and a low blood pressure. So I slept pretty much all day, well off and on. But is wasn't a good day. I ignored phone calls pretty much all day. Which of course makes people mad. Or offended, or whatever. I don't know why... I mean I just don't understand it's not like I don't have stuff I am doing, anyway.... I am just...... Whatever.

I am worried about a good friend of mine. She is really sick, I would do anything to make her well. But she is at home now which is better. Then in the hospital. But still I want to make it better, she has been so supportive and very much there for me in this particular hard time. She has experience In hospital stays. I want her to be better. Now please.

I am working on Justin-head's blanket.. It is about halfway done. And I am reading new moon, it is really good. I like it a lot. It is better then twilight.

Anyway my head ache is coming back with a vengeance so I am going to put this to a close. And see if I can get some sleep after a snack.

3-3-11 so pissed and I used Names, if you have hurt my feelings EVER in my life, you will be called out.

OMG, i am having such a great day, NOT.

but lets start with the good stuff...

My Room is good,
My sister whitney came in this morning.. Awesome!
My Criminal minds came via netflix today! (of which i have seen 2 of the 4)


The Doctor came in, i asked her about her exceptions, cuz if i don't know what they are.. how can i accomplish them. and i am already meeting my other docs expectations.

they are to keep my sugars in a 60 to 140 range. LOL yeah good luck with that, she wants me to eat the same amount of carbs per meal every day. and food in the same glicimic index. Yeah, NO it's not spelled right get off me!

so she wants me to eat the same shit everyday.. for 3 months, UM no. that isn't happening. expecting my sugars to stay in that tight control isn't happening either, I am A: pregnant, B: DIABETIC C: doing the best i have EVER done. you can't expect perfection... but not on this. and asking me to do something.. i am going to try and Fail miserably and then where will i be? oh right in a class that has FAILED, probably with a premie baby, that i will then feel be Cuz i FAILED> not because it was that or DIE! (and yes i am being dramatic) or most people who don't know the circumstances will think i am .. but guess what,... I COULD!!! i don't want people to feel sorry for me. I Just want to justify that Fact that i am scared to death, But NOOOOOO i am trying to be fucking Positive ALL THE TIME> something is good, lets focus on that?

your poking me again.... OK it could be worse... i could be holding a dead baby
I am not allowed to walk on my own? Ok i could let my family, and Husband down. and be holding a dead baby!
I AM NOT ALLOWED TO PICK UP MY SON... THATS OK I COULD HAVE A DEAD BABY!!!! Get the Picture~

They say he is 24 weeks, he'll live. Yeah the 30 % chance isn't good enough for me!
you want me to focus on that 30%... guess what NOT GOOD ENOUGH> talk to me in 9 weeks, then MAYBE i will have some hope.

SO lets sum up? shall we.
i have a doctor that is saying that need to do something that is never been done... at least not by me. (the diabetes thing)
I have a Doctor that says... that lower uterine segment looks REALLY bad.. that is my concern. So lets hope Conner doesn't Kick right thought it. cuz that would SUCK..

oh and here is a fun fact.. his Placenta... has inured to said Scar that could be kicked though.. so not only could he die cuz his little ballon that holds him safe could pop.. but if it breaks... I could Bleed to death. Awesome.

Im sorry, and the bright side is, (and this i will forever look at as said silver lining)... I am still pregnant.

however, i have pretty much been Ignored all day, I saw my day nurse.... 4 count um 4 times today, we didn't have a tech.. so that was my human interaction.. + my sister.. which truly was great. I love you Marco!!!

My night nurse came in at 9:00 she came on at 7:00.

I got ZERO kudos for having the same number before dinner, and 2 hours after, as well as 3 hours after. and the number was 86... in your range and everything!! i think that i should at least get a Hey thats good. But NOOOOOOOOOO none of that.

I was expecting my BFF to come in.. i texted at 6. he said he was coming in,.... at 9.. 9 comes around... now he doesn't feel good... he has a cold,... that at 6 he was over. which just equals that His Girlfriend doesn't feel good. and so sitting on the couch is nicer than coming to a crummy hospital room. (she texted me yesterday. said she wasn't coming in cuz she was ill.) I don't blame him... i would definitely pick sitting with said other half instead of a friend in a stupid hospital room. but i wouldn't LIE and say i was coming. when i really wasn't.
and i know what your thinking... maybe he was sick... well i know better, he blows me off quite a bit. sure not recently.. but it does happen. and he always has a good excuse. I dont feel good... I left my phone at home...(my birthday) i was busy.. I forgot to call you back..... i lost track of time..... i went on one of my Im inventing something secluded whatever.. it Happens.

lets just say.. i was looking forward to my trip out of my New Awesome Room. with a great window and A sit down shower. and my little TV with NO tv guide.. so i never know what is on.

but i know i am just bitching and I should Just COUNT my FUCKing blessings... RIGHT JEN!!!!!

oh thats right You NEVER use the F word... i have the worst mouth you have ever heard.. i must hang out with the GIESE boys too much!!! here is a NEWs flash,.. i Married one. and he has a really good mouth.. he uses bad language every now and then... but DEFINITELY have a worse mouth than him. all on my own.. i can own up to that... I don't need a scape goat

SO i am gonna take my Migraine Sized Headache and Thank god that i am in a second story windowed room that doesn't have window that open... and Pray that i can keep my wits about me.. long enough to let this shit pass... that should only take about how many months till i am done with this pregnancy?.... cuz it doesn't make sense to count weeks? how many months are you anyway? ( right Jessie?) maybe cuz kids develop in week form... 19 weeks no chance in Hell unless you live in Florida and that was a freak of nature.
at 22 weeks, kids have made it... 24 is viable.... if you hit a woman 24 week pregnant and killed her baby (that is right that is when it becomes a baby) you could go to jail for homicide. SO 12 more weeks??? Piece of Cake.. i have only been here 5. and i have 80 some days left. I will be home in NO TIME> (right Rachel?)

JESUS!!!!!! and yes that is ME SCREAMING at the top of my lungs.. cuz i CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!! judge me if you want i don't give a FUCK!!!!! Call me a bitch.. Tell me it is Karma... Talk behind my back about how i am Drama queen... say "oh ill come see you" and have NO intention of ever doing that...

I am a Duck, that got hit by a Truck

Ok i am done go ahead be pissed off

3-1-2011 stress of the day

I am at a complete loss, all the nasty comments from nurses that I said were ignorant, were not.

My son Conner is weighting in big. He measures 24 weeks 5 days. 

Which is a week older then he is. Meaning he is gaining more weight then he should.

The doctor said this is because of my blood sugars. I uncontrolled, I however am doing all i know how to do.

Which is:

1: eat heathy and a mix of complex carbs with little to no simple sugars. 

2: check blood sugar before eating, two hours after and keep numbers under 170. And above 70.

*note* this is harder then it looks. Every meal has different carbs. Different carbs hit different ways. My body could need more Insulin with breakfast then lunch and less insulin with dinner and night time snacks then both previous meals. It ISN'T cut and dry. Also when the insulin needs r perfect one day. They could be higher the next day. Or if I have and infection I could need a higher basal rate (amount of insulin given over the course of an hour) then if I wasn't fighting a infection.

3: keep contact h my doctors so they can help me with my numbers when I don't know what the best decision is. Cuz I am not a professional and i don't have all the answers. If I thought I did that would be called denial. Which is also not good.

So basically I have a diabetic doctor that thinks I am doing great!

I have a baby doctor who thinks my diabetes is uncontrolled.

And as far as i can tell my doctors don't talk to each other.

I am Frustrated and my bipolar is going crazy, meaning I am getting paranoid. And I know that it is crazy but I still think that people dislike me. Some people that I like don't want to work with me. And That makes me sad, angry, and I hate the constant new nurses. I need consistency it helps me keep focused.

I need to take care of my son, I need my people to talk to each other, I need everyone to come up with a game plan and keep the communication open.

I need them to do this now!

2/25/2011

Hello, I am so tired of being right here! Constantly... I mean let me clarify, I love why I am here. I was born to keep my kids safe. But I wish I could be home. With my family. I miss Jason a lot!! Just stupid stuff. I won't make you sick with details. Lol

So I went to bed on 24th at 4:30ish. So I was up late.. I don't sleep like a normal human... I have to take abien to sleep, and so I wait till I am at least a little tired before taking it and going to bed.

So saturday, I have had very little sleep, my nurse a horrible lady named Lori of whom came at 8:30 in the morning and had a very, up and out-um additude. I was really annoyed. It was early, very little sleep, and my breakfast wasn't even in my room yet.
She announced that she was going to do a NST. I told her that I wasn't getting hooked up before breakfast, I am NOT a morning person. And all my normal nurses know this. I am normally treated differently. Anyway she said "well the doctors order says we have to do it before noon." I told her "look it is only 9 in the morning at this point" we have time. Yes it was bitchy. But I wasn't sorry, you can't rush me. I have a routine. Don't mess with it. It keeps me sane. Sane is important!

I eat and called her to hook me up to listen to Sir Conner, this way I can go back to sleep.

It took her 45 minutes to get to me. But whatever.

So I I doze for a while, get up about 1ish eat lunch, Doctor Richey comes in everything with Sir Conner is good. I go get my "carwash" which is what they call a shower. After my shower I get dressed, and asked to have my IV flushed.. I have an IV. They don't use it. But I have one. In case of emergancy like a low sugar or something. She comes in and I am on my phone reading facebook, and when I say pain mean it. It Hurt so bad I was crying and dude it was like a pop, burn, sting. And she acted like I was just overrating. Even stating "I'm not even touching it" well I don't care if your touching it or not, it hurts likes a mother fuxker. Anyway I am no crying cuz it hurts. I don't cry.... The stick me an average of 4 times every time they put in an IV. I don't ever cry, or whine. I just deal. No biggie.... This was a biggie. It hurt a lot!!

I am really upset, she said it flushed just fine they were not taking it out. Awesome. So I have to continue to hurt.

I was told that although I my blood sugars have always been taken by me, they are now checking them. And I am NOT thrilled. It pretty much takes the control away. Not to mention that when I feel my sugar is being funny I have to call the nurse and, here's my favorite part! Wait.

So I felt funny and my sugar needed to be checked and without thinking I checked my sugar... 28 no good!

I drank juice. Cuz that is how you fix it.

The tech came in to check my sugar, I told her, you know its gonna be low. FYI

It was 32 and then the freak out happens... The nurse who doesn't know me.

Treats me like a 32 instead Of a halee with a low sugar that is fully alert and able to drink juice. So he comes in and forces me to drink more juice.. Ok whatever. Than she says rudely that she isn't leaving and I told her that I didn't want her in here and she needed to leave. She said she wasn't leaving and then proceeded to talk to me about what little info she had about my life. I told her I didn't like her here, I didn't want to talk about my family, and if she HAD to be here fine them sit there and don't talk to me... She then continues to talk and I told her to shut the fuck up. She then waits 10 minutes and checks my sugar again. (your suppose to wait 15) and my sugar had raised some to 45. She then tells me that I have to drink another juice. Which I tell her I don't need another juice... I need time for the first two to work.. She then said I could drink it or she would push sugar through my already blown IV. I drank the juice and told her to get the fuck out.

Vicky one of my normal nurses came in and gave me a hug and said that she was sorry that Lisa or lorri or whatever her name was.... Rude and had no niceness in her. And I vented about how I didn't like being treated like a number and not a human... There is a difference between 28 and 28. Being one os still dropping.. And one that is just hanging out low. The first one I need help, sugar in my IV and a nurse to sit with me. The other one I need juice and 15 minutes and a snack. I don't want to pass out any more then they want me to. It SUCKS!!

The rest of the day was good nurse bitch left me alone... And I spent the rest of the night on the phone with my people, and whitney Also came by and it was good to see her and little miss. Shift change brought Patience who is amazing...

Mom came in later and we went on a walk. And hung out it was a good ending to a pretty crappy day.

On a another note there are people out there that think I am a negative person. That just needs to "count my blessings" and that I make blanket statements that basically blame the world.

I was more then a lot offend, I spend so much time being positive. Keeping my eye on the goal. Taking care of Conner, and no matter what happens I try to focus on the good things through out the day... Not focusing on the bad. This way I stay up. And not depressed. It is a lot of work. And I don't know why someone would say that. I don't feel sorry for myself. I am making the best of things. And doing my best keeping my head up. It is sometimes very hard to do. Sometimes the walls close in. And I can't breath. Sometime I miss my son, my husband, my family pictures on my walls at my house. I miss making Conner's room. I want to help prepare for our little man. But I guess I just need to keep on keeping on.

Anyway that is my little vent.

Dear Conner, 2/23.2011

Dear Baby Boy,

Conner Mathew Giese, I want to start out saying how much i love you, No I want to start out by saying How much you are loved. Your Daddy, your Momma, Your Big Brother, Your aunties,grandmas,grandpas,great grandmas and Great Grandpas, You are loved so much that you will probably grow up smothered and spoiled ROTTEN, Just like your Big Brother.

His Name is Justin Alexander Giese, He loves Trucks, hugs, kisses, His Daddy, Momma, and His kitties. He doesn't understand that you are coming yet. he might not understand when you get here. I don't know. but he is going to grow up and love you and teach you all the things you can get away with. and how to get me and daddy to not be mad anymore, probably with just a look. He is Really good at that.

Your Aunties, will always be there. your bestest friends, your greatest enemies, and a huge confidant.

you Have cousins also... Kaylynn, and Treyton. both of which are awesome.

I want to tell you that you will probably here as you grow up how much Trouble Momma went though to get you here safely.. Don't worry about it. I would do it all over again. I know that this is just a small moment in life. a moment that will lead to the second best moment that i have ever experienced. not the Second best, like the fist one was better.. second best like I was blessed enough to do it twice. Daddy is going to put you in my arms and i am going to be tired, but i am going to hold you so close to my heart that you will never leave.

You are going to grow up, Get big, learn things, play with toys, go to school, Graduate, go to collage, Get married... or maybe live at home till your 30 i don't know, Don't try that last one, Daddy will kick your butt, LOL. but whatever you do with your life, know that I as well as your daddy will stand behind you. Help you learn, sometimes the hard way. In fact if your anything like your momma probably the hard way.

I find myself in moments like this wondering who you will look like, but i realize your gonna look like You. perfect wonderful Handsome YOU!

I just wanted to write some stuff.. I am leaving a zillion things out. Like telling you about Grandma andrea, and Grandma Paula. they love you also Just so you know.

someday i will tell you how momma and daddy met. how we wanted and dreamed of having you and your brother, how hard daddy had to work to make your Room Perfect. and it will be..

All i can say is Keep momma on bed rest for a really long time. cuz it is the best blessing EVer.. to have you as my son.

Love your Momma

Omg what am I gonna do

So it just hit me, I am alone here.

It is midnight, on a Monday, and here I am in a little room with the walls closing in tight. I know that I could call and wake people and feel better, but how selfish would that be.

I am not the center of the universe.

But my room is a mess, and I am not allowed to fix it. I want to be able to get into the one closet that I have but my fridge is in the way. And I have to have it close. Or I would never be able to get to my food without help.

I hate bugging the nurses. There are more them just me on the unit and I am sure that there are more important things then my fixing mess of a room. Which would just get messed up again.

So I find myself crying with no one to call cuz that would be messed up.

It's not fair!

It is my first night of crying myself to sleep. So I guess I will just do that. And deal in the morning.

2/21/2011 Monday

So, today was the best day ever! it was Monday, I had a good breakfast, Cream of Wheat.. Love it!!!

My Boys got here pretty early, they brought gifts, Bread, licorice, pedicure stuff, razor, and Shaving Cream. YAY. 

then we went for lunch, Meaning I got out of my ROOM. it was so awesome. it has almost been 4 weeks, i am so happy about that, it is crazy, then i got to hangout with Jason and Justin on the couch and watch a movie. it was so good to cuddle and love on my boys. 

Justin was about sick of the hospital so they had to leave.. but it was still the best date ever!!!

then i called and talked to my bestest in Washington. she sounds great.. and she is so supportive. and Gets it, the bed rest this sucks stuff,. the food stuff,.. just the stuff. so we talked for a long old time.. and it was great.

Doctor Richey came in, she is happy with how things are going. didn't say much, was glad that I got out of this room though. 

Doctor Tanner Called me. our weekly appt. and it went well cuz i am doing all the right things. and learning a lot about how to do things on my own. so that also went well.. 

I have some unsettling things going on in my head, I was thinking about the time line, i am 22 weeks almost 23. Obviously My little Conner wouldn't make it if born right now, so i need him in there cooking for at least 10 more weeks.. and that is a minimum so i need all the prayers i can get. 

we got the paint for his room, and the bedding is all picked out and bought. it looks Great. 

Conner is doing well i am hoping for a ultrasound soon for a weight check and just to look at his sweet face again.. i know i am pathetic. 

anyway... that is about how much went on today,.. it was alot. and i am going to take it super easy tomorrow so that i don't overdo it and cause Conner any unsettling contractions.  Luckily i am not contracting. just a little irritated. so it is a little uncomfortable. but Conner is still good. am moving quite a bit. 

I really appreciate all my friends and family that help me deal with the trapped feeling that happens, and i am so grateful for all my support.  My Doctors Nurses, Family, Friends, and Of course my Husband and Son. 

February 20 2011 Sunday!

Really I am testing to see if I can really blog via text message from my phone, why I even care I don't know? Cuz I have a app for that. Lol.

Today was good I finished my hotpad thing I was making, next I am making Justin-head a blanket then Sir Conner one.

Conner did some questionable things on his NST (non-stress test) mostly his heartbeat was not acting like a 22 weeker. He wasn't as active. Which was concerning to Doctor Richey. So they put him back on to find that he really is just fine. This morning he was Just enjoying momma percocet. Or however you spell it. They gave me some last night because I got one of my really bad headaches. and it stays with him a lot longer then me. A fact I am not happy with. But having headaches like that also not an option. So I guess there could be some serious judgements that could happen, but IMO in till you have sat where I have, you get to understand that i don't give a damn what you think.

I am excited about tomorrow because it is presidents day, federal holiday! And jason has the day off, so I get to see both of them and get out of my room for a short time. Yay!! Anyway. The end!

Crap that will piss someone off, 2/19/11

So I am having a really hard time with the shiny bright side of this whole situation.

I live in a HOSPITAL! I get out of bed when i have to pee. but FYI its a risk. to my son, but i cant pee on my bed anymore or i would freak out.

I eat what the Hospital provides, sometimes, (but not all the time) things i pick. but lets face it. it is stuff that EVERYONE complains about when talking about the hospital stay. I get to eat here for 123 days. YAY ME

I live in my bed, I have eat in my bed, i brush my teeth in bed, because standing of two minutes to brush my teeth could end my pregnancy. which is NOT AN OPTION.

because i live in bed means all my activities happen in my bed which include but are not limited to..... coloring, cross stitching, facebooking, leg excises, tv watching, all of which i am very grateful to have available to me. however i drop something. I have to call someone to get it. i lose something in the covers i have to try to find it.. which takes a lot of moving which i am not really suppose to do. because movement stresses my uterus which holds Conner, which needs to not be stressed because i need it to continue to hold Conner. so losing things which does happen, ex. Phones, speakers for the TV, Pens, God countless pens, Crayons, markers, needles, as well a zillions of crumbs that later make me itch, and get horribly uncomfortable. granted i am allowed to request my bed be Remade/changed but that requires movement from one bed or have it made around me with also requires movement, which endangers Conner. so really it is a toss up, i can request it. and be jostled and moved or i can wait for my next bath which happens about once a blue moon, or every Saturday, and thursday, if i remind them that it is Saturday, or thursday.

and I know i should just be grateful.

I would like to make it Clear i am not complaining about the way i have to live. I am Grateful that i am still pregnant, I know that there are woman out there that can not, and would more then take my place to be able to have the blessing that i have, by having children.

I have family that had their babies that would have done anything to have had the opertouniny to carry their baby to term.

I Try really hard to count my blessings, Everyday, it sounds a lot like...

I am grateful for my son,
I am grateful for the fact that my heathy son has people that can care for him while his daddy is at work so that he can provide for his family.
I am Grateful for nurses and tech that have compassion and take the time to share little pieces of their lives with me to make me feel a little more normal.
I am grateful for my Friends that take a day out of their lives EVERY week to visit me and bring me real food from places that i really miss.
I am grateful for Family that calls me daily, text me daily and send me popcorn balls i Frontierville. and it it unbelievably pathetic how happy that makes me.
I am Grateful for TV, Food, Meds, Doctors that i swear deserve sainthood, and all the little things that i overlook each day.

However today was just not a good day, and as grateful and glad as i am to be pregnant with a seeming heathy baby boy. I am TIRED OF BEING HERE>
I miss my MOM, MY BOYS, MY BED, MY COUCH, MY CAT, MY CAR, MY CRAZY FAMILY SUNDAY PARTYS, NORMAL FOOD, MY DVR, MY WHAT DO YOU CALL IT,.....

MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

end of vent for now ... love you all

February 15th ultrasound day!

I hung out all day, slept some. Cross stitched some. And watched some tv. The basics of bed rest stuff.

About 5 doctor Richey comes down and does the ultrasound. My cervix is still really short. So I am staying for a while. She said we would reevaluate when I am 26 weeks. So that is four weeks from now.
We talked about the tubule, she said it was not something we needed to do for my heath.
Also my uterus looks rough. And Justin can't hang out or bounce on me. It is dangerous for Conner.
It is possible for me to walk to the bathroom and pee. Which Is awesome!
No more commode. So it was a bad and good day.

It is going to be ok. Goodnight

Happy valentines day!!

Today was ok, I found out that doctor Richey is back from london. Which is good. I waited patiently for her to do rounds.

I woke up to my hubby calling me and saying he loved me. But then he went back to work.

I spent a little bit of time talking to my sisters wishing them happy valentines day. All except Lindsey love! :( I hope she forgives me. Cuz I love her tons

I took a nap, I have been tired a lot lately
But it works out. The bed isn't bad. And I really have no complaints.

Doctor Richey came in and we looked at my abdomen. Said that she was doing an ultrasound in tomorrow. To check my cervix and depending on what we see I may be we could talk about home, but then she realized I live in palmer. And that is a really long way from where I would be safest. But we will look tomorrow and talk about options.

I called Justin. He didn't really have anything to say. He woke up from his nap
They took him down to the river to nap. That makes me wonder what they do down there. But I trust them and they do a good job.

I got a good nurse, Megial. She is a beautiful smart and super sweet nurse.

I went to bed late as I always do.
All the way you look at it it was a ok day.