I am having a really hard time.
I try to stay positive, count my blessings, and be grateful for them.
But right now, today my blessing are painful. I want so badly to not have to miss everything in my Childs life, I know I don't miss everything. That is an exaggeration.
And maybe from somebody else's view (two people in fact) I am not doing a good enough job with my positiveness.
I hate having to feel like I must justify my feelings, my feelings are mine, no one else's. But maybe I am defending them from myself. I was taught that justification was a thinking error. But I am finding it difficult to find a way to change how I feel about my feelings.
I feel like I am missing things in justin's life:
Justification: I am missing things in his life, but I am missing them for my other Childs life... Without my missing justin's life I would/possibly miss all of Conner's life. Therefor I feel horrible to wish to be somewhere that would in fact jeopardize a life that NEEDS me.
I am so grateful for the compassionate wonderful nurses, family, friends, and loved ones that work with me, that being said.
I am not grateful for the particular tech that randomly does things that are NOT harmful. But inconsiderate. Did she do it on purpose? No of corse not, she did it without thinking, why would anyone care if their room number was written on their cup? Or I guess maybe I am wondering why I care? Am I wrong to care? To be angry at something so petty? Yes I do believe that I am. But I'd doesn't change the fact that THAT is how I feel regardless of "right" or "wrong".
I am sad that I will have to have a c-section. Why? Because in my mind I had an image of going though a trial in life, a hard, painful, exhausting right of passage. If you will. There are people I know that consider a c-section as the easy way out. Is it easy? Well I guess I would have to say NO. It isn't. And it will leave me feeling empty. I am jealous of woman that get to snuggle and breastfeed. Their shocked probably cold newborns. They get that last push, exhale, Cry, and it is over.... The pain is over... Now it is all about you and him/her. And the whole world will disappear. For me I will get to meet my newborn on a cold OR table where my hands may be tied down, and I am so drugged up that I may or may not remember the process. I am aware that I sound ridiculous. That these are irrational feelings and they are stupid. But it doesn't change their existence.
Today there was a comment on a vent on my Facebook, one that didn't need a comment. One that accused me of yelling at people that I in fact didn't do. I didn't yell or curse at anyone, just Facebook. Privately. Yet she felt the need to accuse me of it. Leaving me feeling attacked in a already upset state which in fact made it much worse... As I reacted poorly. And the yelled and cursed at her. Did she deserve it? No of course not. She is in fact a nurse, or so I now understand. She probably took my statement/vent as a some what personal attack on herself and other people in her line of work that she no doubt feels like are having to deal with things that they shouldn't. She wasn't there she didn't know, yet I now sit here feeling bad about being mad, and venting on Facebook. When in my logical train of thought was better then actually yelling at said individual.
I am sorry I feel the way I feel.... I guess that is my point.... But it is still the way I feel.
I know there are simple fixes to my problems,
Hands tied down? ask then to not do so.
Cup got written on? Ask for a new one.
Missing my Childs life? Well there really isn't a way around that i see him twice a week And even that in fact puts people out.
My life is in others control, and I find it unfair.....
Suck it up, and just agree if it is your idea then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But how do I trick my mind into thinking that something unpleasant. Is truly the best way to go about things?
How?
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