Day 123 5/28/11

GeoTagged, [N61.18789, E149.81861]

So the date is set. And approaching fast, I am so grateful that Conner will enter this world in a calm, relaxed c-section. As opposed to how it was looking 17 weeks ago.

I of course feel worried and scared.

I tell myself that he is going to be strong and full term. And I worked hard for that to happen. Even though I feel like everyone else really did the work.

My mom, she and my grandmother and Paula, and Molly have been amazing. Watching Justin 3 days a week. Some times overnight, sometimes after work 3 jobs. And some how she still found a way to bring him to see me pretty much twice a week. Go shopping for me. And keeping me from going crazy.

We have Jason's father And fathers girlfriend. They take Justin 2 times a week. Watch him and make sure that he is safe.

Justin has done so much, his greatest accomplishment keeping me loved. I have so much love for that little boy it is crazy. His smile, his laugh, the way he loves birds And fish, And running on the playground and sliding down the slide and then runs around and slides again. Or flying on the benches, how he blows kisses, And hugs and shakes his head when you want a kiss and he isn't in the mood to give one.

I think about the years my husband have been together, the hard times, the tears, the laughs, the joys, the love we have shared is nothing short of amazing.

We married almost 5 years ago, And honestly I don't know how he has put up with me. We have made 2 beautiful children together. And a million and one memories that make a life a wonderful place.

I have sisters that are amazing. Friends that alway have a supportive thing to say when I need it.

A church that is so supportive that is blows my mind.

Anyway my point is this.

I am loved, and could not have do all of this without the support of my many friends and family.

Thank You

Happy Mothers Day! May 8th 2011

This year was wonderful, Granted the location kinda sucked. but i am still the luckiest Momma live. here is how it went.[
I was going to sleep about midnight Saturday night. I had my evening meds and my Nurse Willie was walking out my bedroom door. and Jason walked in with a sleeping Justin on his Shoulder. He put him in the pack and play that i had set up for his nap time on sundays, and kissed me. we then went to bed after visiting for a little bit.
In the Morning Justin woke up first I was still on my PCA pump, which is a patient controlled pain pump. so i spent a great deal of time pushing the button as my pain level was really bad. anyway... Willie came in about 6 to  get my blood pressure and picked up Justin and laid him in bed in between Jason and Me. and he Climbed onto his daddy and loved on him. it was SOOO cute.
He got tired of laying still, and climbed down. and played for awhile. he then wandered into the bath room and came out with the hat. the container that measures my pee... on his head. Now i am pretty drugged up. so all i could say was Justin Icky. put that back, but he was having non of that. he walked around to Daddies side of my bed and put it on his head. I thought i was gonna DIE> it was so funny.

So after i woke up and Jason woke up, Justin and I watched Curious George He sat on the bed with me for a Long time and just hung out.

Justin and Conner got me a beautiful Necklace and Earring set that said MOM on it and several movie sized boxs of Candy.
Jason got me a card that had shoes on it and a Great pair of Slippers, and Flowers I love that man so much. he is remarkable sweet. we spent the morning together, and i felt so loved and Justin as they were leaving blew me a kiss, a new thing of his.

It was so nice to wake up with my little boy there to kiss good morning. and the arms of the man that make all my dreams come true wrapped around me.

Day 110 can I leave yet?

So I am 34 and 5 days pregnant..... I have been in the hospital 110 days. I have type one diabetes and a incompetent cervix. So I have been on bed rest FOREVER. I always said I would NEVER wish to have my baby boy early, however:

I am told the it doesn't matter if I wait till 38 weeks he will still spend a week in the hospital NICU.

This is NOT something I am happy about. I think god damn it I have worked way to Hard for him to have to go though all of that.... And to have to leave the hospital without him in my arms.

So basically I am bitchy Becuase I am told it doesn't matter what I do he will be born with blood sugar probloms. By doctor is taking him out the first week of June. Again...... Yeah that is only 37 weeks... I was not really ok with this because if he was born with probloms I would always wonder if one more day would have made the diffreance. So I told the doctor I want to just go into labor on my own.... Ahe said that wasn't safe, my uterus is really weak from a previous c-section. And she doesn't want me to rupture. Anyway:
I am tired of hurting, I am tired of being fed that same food every day: Monday eggs bacon muffin, chef salad, chicken strips. Tuesday blueberry coffee cake eggs bacon, something they call turkey and meatloaf for dinner, you get the idea.

I hurt everywhere, those of you who are misrable walking around..... Try being stuck in bed with and IV for 16 weeks.... And I have two more to go... My head aches constantly, my body hurts so bad I cry and my spine is so far unaligned that it might very well be a question mark! I need a chiropractor but of corse the hospital doesn't have a contract with one... So I am shit out of luck.... I am not allowed to sleep next to my husband.... Because he has to take care of our little boy. And I don't have any right to be so selfish as to take away his daddy. It's bad enough he only sees momma two hours a week.

My older sister, my use to be biggest support is all wrapped up in the kelly cup championship. And I am pretty sure she doesn't give a shit about me at all because I don't skate, and I don't have hockey equipment.

Anyway I just don't see the point anymore.... If he is born now he will be way early, he will spend a few weeks in the hospital. But If he is born term... He will spend some time in the nicu.... So.... Wth?

Anyway, I am just tired of hurting I am tired of being here, I am tired of being pregnent and I am sick and tired if knowing that I have to be here for 2 more weeks... Which I will be, because.... I don't want this kiddo to have to spend anymore time then nessasary here in this he'll hole.


Also a funny story to add to this rant bitch session. Is my youngest sister called me to tell me about the greatest first date ever!!! It is my doctors youngest son.... Lol leta just say she is the only one in the state: she has a 2 million doller house, and she flew to new york last weekend for 36 hours to see a consert. She is loaded, and she doesnt give her sons anything, but he has his medical school paid for already. It makes me laugh at the small world that is Alaska!

May 3rd 2011 and May 5th 2011

Man I am super grumpy today, I mean, I love my nurse, but I swear people do things differently... Crime of the century? No however it fucks up my whole day.

I don't care what time I go to bed.... It doesn't matter... I still need to be woken up and shit before 11... Let's face it. Sleeping till 11 isn't good. For anyone. And if you let me of course I am gonna.

I get that you don't wanna wake me up, but trust me when I say it is better for me to be woken up at 9. So I can take my meds, eat, monitor baby, so that at 12 when lunch gets here I can eat it before it gets cold..... I know it seems stupid. But breakfast is the only good meal of the day.... And if I don't eat it till 11, then I don't get my insulin till 11. Which means that my active insulin time won't be done till 2. And I really am not going to be hungry at 12. And even If I am.... I still have insulin onboard so I can't eat. As I really need to make sure my insulin is doing its job correctly.

Anyway, I am just tired of being here. I hurt so bad that I can't function.

May 5th:
My back hurts at a level 9. I can't do this anymore. I have to find some relief. Their answer to this is narcotics... Well the narcotics B: don't work and B: mess with Conner's heartbeat. If he starts failing his NST strips and his BPP they will take him out. And then he will have to put him in the NICU. Which doesn't work for me. I would rather be in mass amounts of pain then have him early.

However I think there are other things we can do for pain relief. Non of which require meds. Maybe realign my spine. Massage the Muscles that are so tight that it makes me have horrible headaches. Acupuncture. Something