Today was an Emotional day, it started out good, i had a good attitude. things were good, then breakfast came. they didn't give me my pancakes, i felt like i wasn't gonna get enough food. but my day nurse was wonderful and was nice and not pushy about blood sugars and things.
Mostly it was a hard day cuz i don't have my Justin-Head with me. I am dealing with a lot of i guess separation anxiety. I miss him and Jason so much. I know that they cant be here everyday. but it doesn't change the fact that i am missing them more than i have ever missed anything. I called Jason, but it was early and he wasn't up yet. i didn't leave a message. i feel weak, like i am pathetic to be so mournful for the lack of them here.
I guess i just thought too much. the fact is i may be here for the long haul. and 18 weeks is a long time. I am going to miss things. things kept going thought my mind, Questions. Does he miss me? will he remember me? will i miss his first real sentences? When i come home, will he run to daddy before me? It hurts my heart. it is like the purpose of my life is just gone.
I on the other note, I don't know how attached i can get to this baby, I mean i love him just as much as Justin-Head. I want to keep him safe, but he is so little and if the risks are really as bad as they are making them out to be it may be a rough road. one that ends up in the NICU. That would terrify me. We haven't named him yet. i thought it was cuz we haven't found the perfect name, but maybe it is that i am afraid of losing him. even being type 1 diabetic makes it possible to lose your baby at as late as 25 weeks, and we are still 6 weeks from there. add a incompetent cervix and i don't know what is gonna happen. or what to expect.
I am prepared to be here as long as it takes to keep him safe till he is big enough to be born. but i am scared. i don't doubt that i can do it. i am just scared.
My mother came in tonight with a few things to help pass the time. a coloring book, crayons, Markers. and yarn with crocheting needles. I decided to stop my brain from thinking so much, and took a nap. when i woke up it was lunch time. which was also lacking half of what i ordered. which was discouraging. but as i looked at what was provided for me. Doctor Mcdreamy came in to talk to me.
we talked about how well he felt my sugars were going. how much time i spend at home with my little boy, and how i was having a really hard time adapting to that change. I also brought up that i am seeing a therapist, and i need to see her, or someone. it really didn't matter but i needed to work though my anxiety or i was gonna have to be medicated and i don't feel like that is a safe way to go about it. he said he would figure something out if Nella couldn't make it over here. we talked about why it was important to have my therapy, and he understood that it was indeed a good reason. He gave me the rundown of the rest of the week, who would be my doctor, who i could expect, what the plan of the moment was. They had brought in a internal medicine doctor into the team, she is amazing, understands how hard i work to keep me health. My A1C was 6.1 which she was more then happy with that.
I called Jason to Talk, he answered and told me that he loves me but just cuz i am bored with nothing to do doesn't mean that he can just stop moving to talk to him. which depressed me that much more. I miss my family days, i miss my Cat, I miss my life. I am not even gonna post about the loss i feel of my vaginal birth. cuz that is a whole other dilemma.
As i said it has been an emotional day, and i have made it thought it. Mom and Jason and I have come up with a plan, Selena will have Justin Mondays and friday this week.. Mom with have him Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday. and Selena will have him Friday as well. Wednesday this week Mom will bring Justin in to see me. and she will also come in on friday, by herself and sunday with Molly and Paula. in the evening. which will be a good time to get together and talk about the plan for that week.
I have every confidence in Jason to give and do everything that Justin needs, I am afraid that he will do it so well he won't need me anymore Anyway i am going to sleep for the night It is almost 1 am. and tomorrow is another day. hopefully i wont think so much.
Good Night
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